Calls of fear

I opened my eyes on a ringing phone, it was a mobile tone. I don’t recognize this tone, it is not mine. I tried to think hard whether it is a dream or not. I opened my eyes, and look here and there. I can't find the mobile. I sat in my bed trying to track the sound.

The darkness in the room helped me to notice the light of the mobile blinking. Till now the mobile didn’t stop ringing. I could not guess what time it was. I looked to my side, my husband was not there. I remember that this was his mobile's tone. And till now it is still ringing.

I stood up and walked to the window, I opened the curtains. It was morning, maybe around 7 o'clock. I grabbed the mobile from the table and looked on the number. It was private number.

I sat on the edge of the bed thinking, shall I answer it or there is no need to?!! I spent about 10 minutes thinking of an answer, even I didn’t notice that the caller has stopped calling.

I put the mobile in my pocket and started my morning as I did everyday. I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I sat in my usual place, in the balcony. My husband is on a business trip. He will be away for four nights. But how did he forget to take his mobile with him? Maybe he awaked late and he was in a rush and just forgot all about the mobile!!

Why am I so worried? Why this call made me so unsafe? Why I feel so jealous and curious? I feel that there is something will change my life through this call. I feel that if I answered this call, a disaster will happen. I feel that the person who is calling my husband is his girlfriend. Was my husband from that type of people, who will look for a younger girl to prove that he is still wanted? Am I not satisfying him anymore? What a shame? I feel so disgusted!! If he were here right in front of me, I would kill him!!

I need to see Rana now, she is my best friend and she passed through the same situation the year before. She could help me discover how she felt that her husband was different. She could tell me how she won him back.

I need to know everything. How it would start and why? I want to know how it felt and what she did to pull him back to his home again.

I put on some clothes; I don’t remember what I chose to wear!! I decided to take a taxi rather than to drive my car. I walked in the street waiting for a taxi, but I couldn’t remove the image of my husband with this lady. What she look like? Is she pretty, nice, sexy? In what ways she is different than me? I know that I got older, but I am not too old yet!! I am still in love with my husband. I thought he knew that so well… we never argued, we never fought; we never slept without kissing each other good night. What went wrong then?!! My tears were falling smoothly; I could not force them not to.

Here I saw a taxi, I stopped it. And in few minutes I arrived Rana's place. I rang the door. No one opened the door. I waited another few minutes, but for no use. It seems there was no one there. It is my fault I forgot to call her. Where is my mobile? I hope it is in my purse. Yeh, I found it. But what a day, there is no battery at all. It is dead. What am I going to do now?!!

I have no car, my mobile is dead. Where shall I go now? I can't go back home. I don’t feel like seeing each love moment I shared with him. I even can't look at his pictures which are filling our living room. I feel I hate him now.

I decided to go to the nearest mall to have breakfast and think clearly. On the way, I thought of every lovely moment we shared during all these years. Eight years, we both stood for each others in good and bad. We were envied by our friends. They always asked us how we managed to have this strong love for this long period. Was that love an illusion? Was that feeling a big lie? How stupid I am. Why I want him back? If he is not happy with me, why should I care? As soon as he gets back I will tell him that I know all about his affair. I do not need any justifications. I don’t want to hear any excuses; I only want him out of my life. He cheated me once and he could do it again and again. I don’t want to experience this confusion again.

I don’t feel like eating anything, I ordered for a cup of coffee and sat there trying to think clearly. I don’t want to act like a helpless woman. I am a grown up lady, I have my job, friends and my family. I could start my life again without him around. What difference would it make? The only thing will not be the same, is walking into an empty house, with empty walls. Briefly, loveless home. So what, one day I will fill it again, I would fill it with my friends' and family's love.

But why I feel so sad and full of anger. I don’t want to be attached to him anymore. I don’t want to feel sorry. Why I feel that there is something inside wants me to win him back again?!! How can I want a cheater in my life? He does not deserve my love. He who wanted another life with another lady. He had made his decision. I might done a mistake, but he should talk to me rather than going out and look for new love. If he really cares about our life he should have try to win me back to his life not pushing me out of it.

Oh my God, here the phone is ringing again!! It is the private number. I think this is time i have to answer it and put everything to an end. I should have real proof to face him with.

My heart is beating so hard and fast, I pick up the mobile in my shaking hand, I answered. I didn’t speak a word; I just wanted to focus on the speaker.

"Hello, hello..." he said. It is a man!!
"Who is speaking?" I asked.
"It's me baby, did you forget my voice?" he answered with his usual lovely voice.
"Whose number is this? And why you didn’t take your mobile with you?" I asked curiously.
"I awaked late, and I was rushing. I didn’t want to be late for the plane. I thought that the mobile is in my laptop bag as usual!! I just wanted to make sure that you are all right. I tried to call you but your mobile was turned off."
"Yeh, I didn’t realize that until an hour ago,and I am not at home now."
"So honey, what are you doing? Is everything ok?" asking with his loving voice.
"I am going to Rana's to have breakfast. Don’t worry, everything is fine. Don’t be late. I really need you beside me." replying with tears falling on my cheeks.
"Sweetheart, even if I was far away, you should be sure I will be always near you and beside you." He replied.
"Ok huni, go back to your work and don’t worry, it is only that I miss you so much."
"Take care, baby" he hanged up.

I feel that I won a million dollar!!! He loves me and never cheated on me. What a relief. I called Rana from his mobile and invited her on breakfast. She was in her children's school. She was excited about the idea. She came rushing, she was so hungry.

While waiting her, I had to ask myself why I built up this story. Why I had to live this tragedy just for receiving one private call on his mobile? There must be something wrong with me, not with my husband.

We, human beings, are really weird. We can destroy full life in seconds while it took us life time to build it!! We never think of priorities when we are hurt. I am sure it is different from one person to another. Some people try to give another chance and another just can't. But I can not judge them both. Both of these people react for one reason, it is love. I wanted my husband to be out of my life, just to save what we had shared once in my heart. If I lost him, I don’t want to loose the memories we had together. Because if I loose it too, it will be wasting eight to nine years of my life, and I am not ready to loose my life too.

Here Rana arrived, she looks happy and excited. I am sure that she is a sample of women who wanted to win her husband back just for love. She loved him, she has children from him and a lovely, cozy home.

Love is a gift from God. We should not ignore it. Love is the link to life. Without it we are not living at all. We do not taste happiness. We do not feel we are living in harmony with the surroundings.

"Hey, how are you?" Rana asked me, giving me a hug.
"I am fine, how are you? Long time no see!!" I replied.
"Oh, I was busy re-decorating my house with Hassan, you know we like to choose everything together." She said.
"Lovely, so things are fine?" asking with curiosity.
"Never better." She replied.

Faces

Dust is covering the entire place, I wonder, for how long did I ignore this room? It has been more than three years since I graduated. For me, it seems like three days.

From where should I start, I should clean it up for my sister, she is now on her way back home and I promised her to find it ready. I promised her to give her my room when she finishes her high school. And her she is, grown up now. She called me at my home, reminding me with my promise. And she insisted that I should clean it up, and choose which boxes I want and which I don’t want to keep. It was my room at my parents' house.

The walls in this room shared me a lot of memories. I can hear laughs and cries. This room was my best friend; I remember talking to each corner of it when I was in my happiest or saddest moments. Even my friends liked my room so much; we spent hours of studying and chitchatting. I miss those old days which will never come back again.

I remember this box; I put in it the books I most liked during the four years. Oh my God, did I really keep all these pairs of shoes I used to wear?!! What a silly girl I was? What was I thinking of? Was it a joke?

Trying to reach to the next corner of the room I noticed something, there is a note stuck on the wall!! Let me go and see. I have to pass dozen of boxes. On my right, was three boxes were on top of each other, mistakenly I hit the first one on the top. It flew up and was opened and everything in it was flying over me.

What surprised me that I was not hurt; I was expecting a dictionary flies up in the air and back down on my head, on the contrary, all what fell on me were pictures!! I sat on the floor, picking up some pictures around me, pictures from different periods of my life.

Life is really surprising; it changes everything in our lives. Looking at these pictures, seeing how friends used to be then!! It was simple and direct. No need to have doubled face relations. It was pure and natural. Is these feelings about friendship was because I was young? Was it because we were pure and natural? And as we grow up and experience life in different aspects and face several shocking cases in life, your opinion about life changes too?
Friends were so close at that time, they were so warm. Nowadays, most of them are online friends!! You might not see them all your life. You might not know them from the first place. Life is becoming too fast to have enough time to make true and real friends. We meet on line, hi, hi, and then we start chatting, whether you were honest with the person you are talking to or not, no one cares. For some people it is only for one reason, wasting time and having fun.

This really shocks me; I am a person who respects people and relations. I am a kind of person, who worships friendship, and I have effort and energy to open my heart for millions of them, but they should share me one simple thing, respecting friendship.

Should we have a benefit in every friend we know? I knew people who were really so selfish. I spend too much time thinking of such human beings. How could they just ignore you for nothing?

Faces are running now in my mind, some are real and some I just try to imagine how they look like. Some I spent a life time with and some only few months. Most of them are gone forever, and I do not regret it at all.

But the most beautiful faces I ever had seen are here in these pictures. I can feel in the smiles in them how lovely and sweet our emotions towards each others are. I am sure, however and whatever tried to keep us in distance, we still miss each other.

Life will keep on going, giving you the chance to know more people. But if you met thousands of new friends it will never be the same as you were young. Friends during that period are a treasure. From each person you learn something, and you save it back in your mind. Whether you remember it or you do not, that is not the point, but the most important thing is that you learned something!!

For me, when ever I pass through something I remember passing through it with one of my friends, I forget all about the issue and just go back to that day, with my friend, and try to remember every single detail. I close my eyes, and try to smell the place, and try to hear how noisy it was around, I can see everything. The lesson is learnt, and a wide smile show up on my face.

This is how friendship is for me. This is how I want to keep my friends around me; wherever I am they should be there.

How come I did not take this box with me to my home? They should be with me in my new home. To share new memories and have fun as we always did. I want to have a new box full of memories to remember when I am 50 or 60. I want them with me to learn more from them and they might learn from me.

Do they remember me as I do?!! I hope so. They should be sure that I will always have them safe in my heart. I love you all.

I should go back to clean up this room! I stood up, and again my eyes fell on the note which was like waiting for me to read it. I went calmly to the wall; I never felt so in peace like now. I reached to it; I took it off the wall…

"These pairs of shoes that are lying in peace here in my room are the ones I wore in my last 10 years!! But during every mile I walked wearing them I learned something, and from every lesson there was a reason, and for every reason there was a person, and every person I learned from I consider him/her a friend. I wish I could walk million miles to have more true friends during my life. Wish me healthy feet and legs and energy to walk more and more and more "

This was the note!!

Looking Forward to

We live our lives looking for perfection in every thing. But we never ask ourselves the perfect question; "Is there perfection in life?" We used to cry when things go wrong, and we live in this conflict trying to make it always the best. Why are we so miserable? Why should everything be perfect? Why we just take it as it is? Is it a human nature? Is it a life style? Is it greediness? Many questions are occupying my head now, without answers. Here they are, people struggling in life, focusing on things to escape from reality. But are they really escaping? Are they forgetting? I don’t think so. They are only forgetting one thing; themselves. We forget the most important thing that life depend on; people. We forget that we have families, friends and enemies!! Life can not go on without these elements. We focus on just living it day by day no matter what. Do you think this will work?!! Then why is life meant to be? Life is future, and future is optimism. Are we looking forward to have harmonic future?! No, I guess. We all look forward to live a future. Look at me now, am trying to escape through this imagination. I have one target to do this, to understand why we are doing this to ourselves. How our parents did live their lives? Were they happy? Were they enjoying life? Were they concentrating on themselves? I guess there is one answer for all these questions; NO. They were looking forward to build future for us. But the question is, did they build it for us? I guess not. Not because they did it wrongly, no, on the contrary, they did it well and I appreciate it. But they did not know how exactly we wanted our future to look like!! They did not know we wanted different life than theirs. Mum always wanted me to be something and dad wanted me something else. Between the struggle they forgot that I wanted to be something too. They taught us to be their reflections. They wanted to make their dreams come true in us, forgetting that we have our own dreams. I am their only kid, and there is no chance for these wishes to become true except through me.

I love them so much; I wanted them to be happy. So, I decided to be their Santa Claus and make their wishes true. I graduated from medicine school as my father wanted, and get married as soon as the first groom approached our home, as my mother wanted. Papa and mama, lived happily ever after since then.

Years passed, and they both passed away, leaving me here wondering; am I happy as they were? Am I happy for being a doctor? Did I find the right partner to share my life?

Life is strange, how come they made me choose from their options and then leave me scared and lonely like this? I never felt so when they were around. The reason for feeling safe when they were with me is because when anything went wrong they were helping me out. And this is because it was their choices not mine, they knew exactly what are the risks and how to deal with any obstacle. But I am alone now; I have to solve it by myself.

Loneliness is filling me now. Nothing in life is exciting, it is dark around. Whom do I have to blame? Them? Me? Life?

I am waiting my baby now, waiting this new creature to share me life. Thinking of this baby, is it a baby boy or girl? How he/she will look like? Thinking of this miracle is something like magic. When I try to imagine his/her features I see myself in this baby. I see myself growing up with my own dreams and wishes. Will this baby be a graphic designer one day? Will this baby love someone and be loved by someone? Will this baby travel beyond seas, looking forward to build the future with his/her beloved one? Many questions I wish it will become true one day.

I feel good, I am really happy seeing all these dreams will become true one day. And I will look forward to make it true.

Dream during launch break

As I was going to work this morning, I passed by Starbucks to have my morning coffee. I was standing nearby the cash to pay and start my way to work, when he came and stood beside me.
"Good morning!" he said with a polite smile. I gave him a silent nod, wondering, "Do I know him??!" I tried to look at him when I was putting the money back into my purse. "I don’t know him, I never saw him!!" I turned around, walking to my car so slowly, thinking why I gave him all that time thinking of him?
Breaking my thoughts, a voice came from behind calling on a miss. I turned around to find him following me with a cup of coffee.
"Hi." He said.
"Hi." I said back.
"The man over there told me that you have forgotten your coffee, and I suggested bringing it to you"
"Oh, thank you so much, and sorry for the trouble." I said with embarrassment. How could I forget my coffee?!!
"ermmm, can I ask you a question, please?" he asked.
"Sure, go ahead." Thinking that he want to ask me about an address or something..
"Did we meet before?" was his question.
Our eyes met at this moment. I can see something weird in his eyes. I feel familiar to the warmth in them. Few seconds passed, with a smile he raised his hand to introduce himself.
"I am Saif." He said.
We shake hands. "I am Hanan."
"So… mm... Do you have time to drink our coffee together?" he asked so politely.
To be honest, I wanted to but I have work.
"I'd love to, but I have to go to work now." I apologized.
"Do you have a break time for lunch?" he insisted.
What's going on? Why he is insisting, and why I don’t want to reject his invitation? I feel there is something arranged in our destinies.
Destinies? How come we could have a destiny together?
"At what time I can see you today? And where?" he asked as he was taking some few steps backward. He did not give me any chance to discuss or apologize.
I gave him time and place, and ran to my car.
I don’t remember I have done anything at work today, except looking at my watch from time to time. I feel that I know this guy, I know him so much. I talked to him, we laughed and argued. We had long walks and had launches and dinners. But yet I am asking myself, from where do I know him? And when did we meet?
The office was full of excitement, everybody was ready to go and have launch. I felt that I was not feeling good. I was nervous and alert. I walked through the main entrance of our building, heading toward my car, when I heard that same voice calling.
He was there waiting for me.
With that same polite smile, he said, "Hello, what a long day?!"
I just gave him another nervous smile.
"Come on, let's drive one car. We need only one." He suggested.
"I don’t think we need a car, here is a nice restaurant. Do u want to try it?" What I was trying to do here is not wasting time in the traffic jam. I wanted to talk to him as long as I can. I want to remember him.
He agreed. We both walked together, side by side, as we did before. What a feeling? Knowing someone from so long time ago and yet not knowing him!! I remember holding each others hands, but we both do not have the courage to do now.
As we were reading the menu, I took few fast glances at him, he was also looking at me. We made our order, and here we go.
We didn’t talk. We just stared. Few minutes, and he started.
"I really don’t know what is going on here, but I felt from the moment I looked into your eyes that I know you. Really this time, did we meet before?" he asked, seriously this time.
"I really don’t know, I had the same feeling this morning. I tried my best to remember were on earth we had met, but no can do!! I just have some pictures in my head popping up. But they were never true memories. Do you have any explanations?" I replied.
"Do you remember walking under the rain; we were holding each other's hands? Do you remember laughing and arguing together? Do you remember…"
"No way!!" I interrupted. "What are you saying?!! It is the same memories I have in mind! This can't be happening." I was excited to the idea.
"I have this picture in mind, I wonder if you have it too" he whispered.
"What is it, tell me?" I replied.
"You are standing beside me, holding my arm. We were so happy. I was the happiest man, ... emmmm as I can see and feel from the picture. Seeing you in your white dress, standing beside me makes you my wife!!! Isn’t it?!" dreamingly he described as I was imagining the picture.
"Oh, what have you said just now?" I interrupted.
"You are my wife in this picture.." he continued. "We must have been husband and wife once upon a time."
I rested in my chair with my eyes widely open, thinking am I insane to believe this!!!
"No way!! Are you serious" I laughed with tears. My tears fell, I was deeply so sad. I don’t have any explanation for that, but am really sad.
We didn’t talk for a while. He was looking at me with surprise. I guess he was surprised of my tears. He was shocked and could not say anything. He just watched me wiping my tears on my cheeks. I wanted to be in his arms at this moment. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be his wife. I want to live the rest of my life beside him. But these are only wishes which cannot be true. There is no chance to be with him even for another hour.
Before the food arrives, I stood up and apologize, explaining I have to go back to work.
He understood the whole thing without going into details. He paid the bill, and followed me out. We walked till we reached his car. We stood there; no words could describe the emotions I had. But I felt that I have to say something. Something which may give me hope.
"Do you believe in living more than one life?" I asked, "I know, stupid question. I don’t believe in it anyway, but, in case there is another life we might live, will you look for me and try to find me?" I asked.
He nodded without saying any word.
"I don’t promise you that I will look the same." I said with a smile to break the ice. "but what I can promise you is to hold on these memories we shared together, and I will search for this look, in the eyes of all men I will meet. And never will accept any man in my life till you show up. So … don’t make me wait so long. I don’t want to waste another life time with out you beside me."
I didn’t wait his reply; I turned my back to him and walked back to my office. Trying to find out how will I live my life waiting the other one to start.

Candle Lights

Candles all over the place, soft music in the back ground, and here are they, the two of them holding each other and dancing in peace.
He is whispering in her ears," I love you." And she smiles back to him, hiding her face in his neck. Their bodies are floating in harmony.
I really envy her; I always wanted this to happen to me. I wanted my man to hold me in front of all people and dance with me. Look at them now, he moved his body back to look at her face, he stares at her as if he is seeing her for the first time. How shy she is!! If I where her I would have give him a very long hug. She tried to go back to her seat, but he grabbed her so tightly. Her hair is flying around him, and he is so happy to feel it on his face. They are talking, I think it is more than talking, they are discussing something. I can tell from her face expressions. I am really curious about what they are talking about now!!
I can see they are getting serious, and enthusiastic. But never mind as long as they are still dancing, I think it makes it more romantic.
The music came to its end; people are clapping, smiles and laughs here and there. But nothing took my attention as they did. In her black, sexy dress she passed by me. He was behind her, following. The music started again, full of life this time. People jumped on the dance floor, dancing and having fun.
And from my place, I saw her again. They are with a group of people. All of them are talking, laughing and having fun, except her. I wonder why she so frustrated?!! She should be the happiest lady on the earth. Half an hour passed and the scene did not change.
We decided to go home, so I packed my things in my bag and get ourselves ready. As we got to the main entrance of the hall, I noticed they were behind us. He was walking fast, and she was following this time. Because her head was on her chest she did not see that I was blocking her way. I was so curious, and this made me even not to notice that. And we both hit. She raised her head to say sorry. I saw her tears, all over her cheeks. She was really embarrassed. Her face was flushing in red. Her voice was stuck in her throat. I nodded my head with a cold smile. She is gone. They took off with their car. Leaving me wondering what went wrong!!!
How could you see and feel people are so happy and you might envy them for that, and the truth is, they have the most miserable life one could imagine.
All is not gold that glitters!!!

Life Time

The weather is so soft today, it was the 1st of April when I was back home to start my new life between my family and closest friends of mine. Walking in the streets of the city I grew up in was a treasure, a dream I wished and prayed for. I remember I passed by this place before 10 years, I was going to my university for the first time. I was worried. Yeh, I can remember the exact feeling. My heart was beating, was it excitement or worrying? I think both. There was my new life staring? New life? How many times during our life time we think of this "new life" thing? I remember asking myself this question many times. As far as I can remember the first one was in August, 1992. In this exact year was the first turn over in my life. Before that it was a slow easy going life. Nothing changed. The biggest change came in that year. A lot of questions appeared, and I was young to understand life so easily. It was frustrating, depressing, and annoying to realize that your life has changed, specially from an easy going to a tougher one. You have to start with new environment, people, atmosphere, and new you; because you have to change too to adjust among all these changes. And here am back to this same place where I am starting everything new, and experiencing the dilemma of life. But this time, mature lady is being abroad. Not that young adolescent, who knew only how to live so easily. I remember at this same street the first guy ever wanted to love me and have a serious relationship with me. My first heart beating to the idea of being loved. Woow, what a feeling, it drew a warm smile on my face just to remember how the beating of my heart was so confusing!!! I might be young at that time, but I think I was not like most of the girls who only wanted a guy occupying their hearts. I dont remember rejecting him, he was so gentle and kind. He understood my way of life, and promised me one day he should win my heart. In this park I used to play with my best relative girl friend. She is my soul mate. I love her and we share till now our spare time talking and chit chatting about different things in life. I miss that period of life. It was the period when we our personalities were in the process of growing and learning. I wish to go back there, to undo some mistakes I did not learn from. I had the chance to learn more, but there are always impossible wishes in life.

Yeh, this is the house I grew older in. neighbors and friends were the core of life. How things look different as time pass. It didn’t look the same. It was brighter and full of life. I will walk in this street, the same street i used to walk to my school with my friend. We enjoyed walking more than taking a cab or bus. I remember walking from school back home under the heavy rain. We laughed to death that day. And we stayed in bed ill for almost a week. We shared nice and funny memories. I wonder how is her life now, and whether she remember me or not.

Some buildings are new here. In this house, I remember asking the same question once more. "Here again another new life is starting, what is waiting me?" I finished my bachelor in this house, and the practical one is starting. What is coming now was my fear. The true life I guess. C.Vs here and there. Praying to GOD to give me the chance to work in an appropriate place where I can be an active person in society. Was this the ultimate desire??! Many wishes I remember. First, to be independent, second, good image, third, find Mr. Perfect. Why in this stage of life we all, girls, start seriously looking for him? Funny, I guess. But this is how life leads you to your future. The future which is now my present. My present which I am starting another new life from it. New life again?! I never realized it. I never thought I will ask myself this question again. I thought your last new life you will be curious about is when you start it with Mr. Perfect. And "The End" will be for your new life.

My tour finished, I arrived to this new house. My home, where I will start this new life again. Knowing nothing what will be waiting for me. Many questions, how, when, what, who???? Do I have time to get the answers? Will I find out what is waiting for me? Am I going to end this new life happily or what? And the most important question, is there another new life I will be wondering about? What a life time we live? Full of surprises and questions. I entered my kitchen, made a cup of coffee, light a cigarette, and thinking … when will "The End" come.. how long should I wait to see how my life will be like? And is there any chance for me in this life I am starting now to learn from what I missed before? These question could be answered only if I have to live another new life.

White night

I remember this incident since I was 5 years old. But I never understood what emotions and feelings it has, until this day. I could now go deeper in how my aunt felt when she was in that dress.

She was so pretty, angel looking and so in peace. But inside her beautiful eyes I could see something wondering. She was sitting in her room with all her friends and our relatives. All of them were whispering, some were passing by my aunt just to tease her with some funny words which would make her smile. Her smile, ohh my GOD, I will never forget it. She had this terrifying smile, her lips were clung. Showing only the same smile for every comment she would hear.

I was standing over there, near the door. Trying to catch everything is happening. My eyes and my aunt's met in a moment when no one had realized that she asked me to reach her. I walked slowly, wondering what she would want from me now. As I arrived she grabbed my arm and hugged me. She whispered in my ear: "I love you so much and I will miss you.". She kissed me a long kiss and suddenly the people in the room became more excited and began to clap. And in the background, I could hear cars arriving and some beeb beeb beeb beeb .. I was in a shock, what is going on? I thought today should be my aunt's wedding, not arresting here!!! Why everybody is happy except her? Her tears are falling, while she is saying goodbye to her family and friends, although we are going to attend the wedding, she is saying good bye to them!!! And here he comes, the guy in black suit. So happy to jump like a child, as if he sees his favorite toy!! She walks beside her father; she was not walking, grandpa was pulling her. And that guy in black and his family were jumping altogether and dancing like they had won the billion dollars.

Many questions, contradictory scenes, happiness and sadness, hope and fear. Can someone tell me what is going on? I ran to my room, my tears are like bullets on my face. What I was sure about at that time is that I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be hurt and hurt my family like this. Why on earth should we do this to ourselves? Choosing to be so sad and afraid.

This was 20 years ago, and now the roles are opposite. She, my aunt, standing there looking at me with that same smile I saw it on her face. The look in her eyes, I can remember it. But this time, I can feel words in them. Holding that baby in her arms, she walked toward me. Leaning forward, she whispered "Are you happy?". She kissed my forehead and went back to her children who were running around her wherever she went.

All my friends were envying me, because I was the first of them to get married. And who is the guy? I know him from work. But do I really know him? I don’t have answer. My friends were so excited, they think I am the prettiest bride they ever saw. But my feelings are not as theirs. I am not happy, not excited. What I am thinking now is: "I don’t want to be another copy of my aunt". I don’t want to hurt my family, and I don’t want to be sad for something I am choosing with my own will.

I stood up, walked so slowly. I reached my aunt and gave her that same look. She understood and hurried after me, while she was begging her children not to follow.

She gave me that warmest hug ever. "I need you", I whispered. She lifted her head and assured that she is there beside me for anything I want.
"I don’t want .."
"shshshshsh" she said, "what is going on with you? I can feel it, I saw it in your eyes."
"And I saw it in you eyes 20 years ago."
"What??!!!! In my eyes? When did you see that and how? You were a kid."
"I was a kid, but I could see your fear. I could feel your body shiver. I felt the sadness and your refuse inside you." I start crying. " I remember how grandpa grabbed your arm to give it to him. I remember how all of the family were crying. I don’t want to make anyone cry. And.. and I don’t want him."
"Then why you agreed sweetie, why? You are grown up lady, I believe you took your time thinking of this guy and whether he is the Mr. PERFECT or not.. what happened? Any changes?"
"Are you happy in your life?"
With a slow motion smile appeared on her face, she said " Listen, happiness is something you can create. Inside you, you can make your own happiness. If you are satisfied in your life you will be the happiest woman on earth. And satisfaction comes from the quality of time you spend with your partner trying to understand and love each other, love is not something you feel it before or after you know the guy.. it is a translation of what you feel.. if you are happy you will feel you are in love .. love is not that feelings you hold towards him, it is the feeling you hold to yourself. You will not be happy because you love him, you will love him because you are happy with him .. this is the key to the perfect marriage."
"You did not answer my question, are you happy?" I insisted.
"No one can judge other's life with a question and an answer. If I kept talking to you for months, you will not know whether I am happy or not. It is a life time; ups and downs, happiness and sadness, laughs and fights, disappointments and satisfaction, and more. "

I listened as if I was in another world, not convinced but had to believe her. She will not cheat me. My white dress and my lovely make up and the music in our home, all of them are evidences of happiness, a wedding. But yet I am still not happy.

The same cars arrived and the same beeb beeb beeb .. my heart was beating so fast.. it was loud.. I could not hear anything else.. the door was opened and there stood my father… he raised his hand with a sad smile… I put my arm in his and walked in this funeral ceremony. I looked all around the place, faces only I can see.. they all waved goodbye with tears and smiles. I will miss my home, and all of you, I thought.

"He took my hand, and now I am here with you darling." I told her.
"Mum, do you love dady?"
" I am happy with him. Can't you feel it?" I answered.
"I love you mama, and love dady. I hate it when I think I am leaving home."
" You are leaving your home to build another, and one day you will talk to your little one and have this same chit chat"

Beeb beeb beeb, faces, tears, smiles, goodbye and another new life to start.

From The Dark

Is there a real evil? Does the word "devil" describ a real creature, or everyone has his own SATAN?
I never thought of one of these names would be near me..
I have faith in GOD, and thought that i will never do anything to make HIM angry of me..
I never remember commiting a sin, and if i had mistakenly did,i would sit in my room trying to beg GOD for HIS forgivness..

I wonder did the devil visited me lately or not? I wonder if i chose to do a mistake or it is only the devil who pushed me to it..
I regret it .. i hate it ..
Is it enough to regret something you have done?? or you should ask for forgivness from all people you had hurt unwillingly.. or you should hate yourself and wish you would never been on earth from the very beginning..

My family, my friends, and myself...all of them were hurt.. all of them were injured.. and who is the person to be blamed?? This is the question? WHO?

I love all these people .. and want them to be happy like me.. but when the devil arrived.. and whispered in my ear: "I am here for u" the delimma began.. and the conflict appeared .. and from the darkness we arranged, and made a deal.. the conspiracy was done.. before i even realise it.. something knocked me.. or someone shouted in my inside.. telling me wake up.. you can't be that bad.. you are a good person.. you love them all.. and they love you too.. why??? why you want to distroy everything you have done? why you want to loose your faith? Satan will never be there for you anymore.. he will leave you struggling by yourself.. he will look at you from the distance and say: " It was your choice,baby"

My eyes are open, the breath came back to me.. my body is shaking .. I am alive.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i never felt how lovely and sweet to keep breathing.. my soul is still there in my body..

Looking arround .. they were all beside me.. one is holding my hand.. the other is smiling .. and one is sitting on the ground crying to death.. ohh mum.. how much i love you.. how much i miss you.. i lifted my hand to hold hers..but she was sooooooooo far .. she stood on her feet.. and walked so slowly with her tears falling on her cheeks..

"Sweet heart.."she said, "I knew you will make it" with a very warm smile..

i closed my eyes to remember what happened.. i was in my room in the hospital, with some pictures in my hand.. his pictures.. how much i miss him.. he was so loving .. his sweet smile was so real in the picture.. i could not bare looking at it and never feel him again.. he is gone .. and i wanted to be gone too.. i wanted to be with him ..

I opened my eyes and saw them again.. they have a warm smile too.. i could have lost them all too.. how stupid i am ..

"Where is she?" i asked .. "Don't worry, the nurse will bring her to you". Few seconds, and the door knocked.. and here she is, my baby.. she was put on my chest.. i looked at her.. she has the same sweet smile too .. "Sub7an Allah" i wondered, "How on earth i wanted to leave this half of me by herself"
Will God forgive me?? How long should i ask for his mercy?"

I knew it from the first second my eyes saw her.. that she will forgive me when she knows that i did it for love...

But this will never be forgetten.. i will never forgive myself for doing it... i will never stop hating myself for the sin i have done..

I will live for her sake .. and try to live normally again.. curiosly wait what is coming in this dark world...