White night

I remember this incident since I was 5 years old. But I never understood what emotions and feelings it has, until this day. I could now go deeper in how my aunt felt when she was in that dress.

She was so pretty, angel looking and so in peace. But inside her beautiful eyes I could see something wondering. She was sitting in her room with all her friends and our relatives. All of them were whispering, some were passing by my aunt just to tease her with some funny words which would make her smile. Her smile, ohh my GOD, I will never forget it. She had this terrifying smile, her lips were clung. Showing only the same smile for every comment she would hear.

I was standing over there, near the door. Trying to catch everything is happening. My eyes and my aunt's met in a moment when no one had realized that she asked me to reach her. I walked slowly, wondering what she would want from me now. As I arrived she grabbed my arm and hugged me. She whispered in my ear: "I love you so much and I will miss you.". She kissed me a long kiss and suddenly the people in the room became more excited and began to clap. And in the background, I could hear cars arriving and some beeb beeb beeb beeb .. I was in a shock, what is going on? I thought today should be my aunt's wedding, not arresting here!!! Why everybody is happy except her? Her tears are falling, while she is saying goodbye to her family and friends, although we are going to attend the wedding, she is saying good bye to them!!! And here he comes, the guy in black suit. So happy to jump like a child, as if he sees his favorite toy!! She walks beside her father; she was not walking, grandpa was pulling her. And that guy in black and his family were jumping altogether and dancing like they had won the billion dollars.

Many questions, contradictory scenes, happiness and sadness, hope and fear. Can someone tell me what is going on? I ran to my room, my tears are like bullets on my face. What I was sure about at that time is that I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be hurt and hurt my family like this. Why on earth should we do this to ourselves? Choosing to be so sad and afraid.

This was 20 years ago, and now the roles are opposite. She, my aunt, standing there looking at me with that same smile I saw it on her face. The look in her eyes, I can remember it. But this time, I can feel words in them. Holding that baby in her arms, she walked toward me. Leaning forward, she whispered "Are you happy?". She kissed my forehead and went back to her children who were running around her wherever she went.

All my friends were envying me, because I was the first of them to get married. And who is the guy? I know him from work. But do I really know him? I don’t have answer. My friends were so excited, they think I am the prettiest bride they ever saw. But my feelings are not as theirs. I am not happy, not excited. What I am thinking now is: "I don’t want to be another copy of my aunt". I don’t want to hurt my family, and I don’t want to be sad for something I am choosing with my own will.

I stood up, walked so slowly. I reached my aunt and gave her that same look. She understood and hurried after me, while she was begging her children not to follow.

She gave me that warmest hug ever. "I need you", I whispered. She lifted her head and assured that she is there beside me for anything I want.
"I don’t want .."
"shshshshsh" she said, "what is going on with you? I can feel it, I saw it in your eyes."
"And I saw it in you eyes 20 years ago."
"What??!!!! In my eyes? When did you see that and how? You were a kid."
"I was a kid, but I could see your fear. I could feel your body shiver. I felt the sadness and your refuse inside you." I start crying. " I remember how grandpa grabbed your arm to give it to him. I remember how all of the family were crying. I don’t want to make anyone cry. And.. and I don’t want him."
"Then why you agreed sweetie, why? You are grown up lady, I believe you took your time thinking of this guy and whether he is the Mr. PERFECT or not.. what happened? Any changes?"
"Are you happy in your life?"
With a slow motion smile appeared on her face, she said " Listen, happiness is something you can create. Inside you, you can make your own happiness. If you are satisfied in your life you will be the happiest woman on earth. And satisfaction comes from the quality of time you spend with your partner trying to understand and love each other, love is not something you feel it before or after you know the guy.. it is a translation of what you feel.. if you are happy you will feel you are in love .. love is not that feelings you hold towards him, it is the feeling you hold to yourself. You will not be happy because you love him, you will love him because you are happy with him .. this is the key to the perfect marriage."
"You did not answer my question, are you happy?" I insisted.
"No one can judge other's life with a question and an answer. If I kept talking to you for months, you will not know whether I am happy or not. It is a life time; ups and downs, happiness and sadness, laughs and fights, disappointments and satisfaction, and more. "

I listened as if I was in another world, not convinced but had to believe her. She will not cheat me. My white dress and my lovely make up and the music in our home, all of them are evidences of happiness, a wedding. But yet I am still not happy.

The same cars arrived and the same beeb beeb beeb .. my heart was beating so fast.. it was loud.. I could not hear anything else.. the door was opened and there stood my father… he raised his hand with a sad smile… I put my arm in his and walked in this funeral ceremony. I looked all around the place, faces only I can see.. they all waved goodbye with tears and smiles. I will miss my home, and all of you, I thought.

"He took my hand, and now I am here with you darling." I told her.
"Mum, do you love dady?"
" I am happy with him. Can't you feel it?" I answered.
"I love you mama, and love dady. I hate it when I think I am leaving home."
" You are leaving your home to build another, and one day you will talk to your little one and have this same chit chat"

Beeb beeb beeb, faces, tears, smiles, goodbye and another new life to start.