Lost between two worlds

What are the factors that you build up on it a satisfied and secured life?!! Studies say that……….

I have been trying to write one sentence for two hours… I should submit this article by tomorrow, but till now I didn’t write a word…

What's wrong?! All what I am focusing on is an answer to it... a personal answer!! I don’t need to think of an answer now; I need an article for the magazine.

What a question which made me stop and think for all this time?!! Why I can't give myself a quick complete answer and continue writing?!!

I will have a break and try again.

I took a cigarette and step out of my front door. The wind outside is chilly, but I need some fresh air. I can see the lights of some neighbours around my place. If I passed by some of them to ask them this question, will they be confused and stressed like me?!! Or they will just throw some silly words like: love, trust, friendship, kids and feeling secure are the magic factors which make life pink in colour?

But, why I think that these words are silly?!! Aren't they the basics of having a wonderful life?!! Still I didn’t feel the warmth in my heart that tells me –usually- I know the answer. I still feel I am not myself at this point. I am confused and worried about it. I can't skip it and continue writing till I know these factors.

I always thought that I was satisfied and secured in my life. I felt that no one in this world is living like me, and if there is, they are just lucky as I was. If I was, then why I can't use my experience in writing this article?!!!

Why I feel love, trust, friendship, kids and feeling secure are not the most important factors of satisfaction? Aren't these the important subjects of life that all people scarify everything to have them? Well, I used to think so, but not anymore…

At this point, I feel that there is something else, when you get it, you will feel the satisfaction.

I want to go back to the writing again, and try to concentrate more on the subject itself rather than on myself…

"What one might want to feel that he reached the limit of wanting anything?" I thought… let me put it in another words…"When do u consider yourself satisfied?" or "What is self-satisfaction?"

SELF… I feel that I am getting near… my heart bounced when the word "self" passed my mind…

What does "SELF" means? Or "what is the self?" Or "what ..not what…"

"Why when we think of satisfaction we relate it to other people and things in life?" I think this is the right question… "Self is self" that means one person only.. It is not about you and your husband/boyfriend, it is not about you and your job, it is not about you and your kids…it is about you and YOURself …

I feel a little bit comfortable than before… I think I am on the right path of finding the answer…

Now I need to think about myself a bit to see if I can find an answer to my satisfaction…

I should ask myself several questions, like:
What target I am running toward in my personal/professional life? Let me leave my profession life aside now, and concentrate on my personal one.
I want to concentrate on what I am giving not on what I am receiving… … … Minutes are passing like turtle steps and I am still having a lot in mind.

It took me more than one hour thinking of all the things I gave with all my heart to people I love and care about… this is not the self-satisfaction… I need to think about what I am receiving from life not from "people" …

Life gave me a lot. I can make a list from it, but did life give me what I "wanted" or just gave me what was on offer at the time?!

Now I need to think of what I received from myself!!! What have I done to make sure I will be happy, secured and satisfied? Did I give myself the priority in everything? Or there were always people who interrupt my path to give them my attention?

I am going back into depression; I don’t feel I can have a complete answer to this question. It is too complicated for me and I guess it will make my life miserable.

Here you go, another confusing question… "Are what I thought will make me satisfied 3 years ago are the same which will make me NOW?!!!" or things change as we get older, wiser, and more mature? Are what we need from life should be changeable or time and circumstances will not affect it?

I need someone to help me in article… I need people to discuss and argue about this… some one should give me more questions to know where I am … in which world I live, world of "satisfaction" or world of "I thought it was satisfaction"

I think I will transfer this article into a questionnaire and let me see what results I wil get from my readers…