What does he look like?

I met him on the msn a year ago; he is living in a very far place from mine. We talk nearly every day. He is very smart person and funny too. When we are usually on line, we never feel the time passing. We talk about every thing happening around, politics, work, weather, and some shallow personal stuff.

It is 11 pm now; I am in my room trying to rest from this long tiring day. Two hours passed and till now my eyes are widely open. I even can't relax in my bed. I am trying to understand what is the point of what happened with me in the past two years.

We started talking about relationships and commitments. He told me that he is in a phase of life that he is ready to start a family. We talked about it in general for about an hour, till he asked me to be his "wife". I was shocked and surprised, happy but frightened. I didn't say any word, just stared at the words on the screen. My phone rang, I looked at it and it was him.

I answered the phone and he was like: "where are you?" his voice seemed very worried, "are you ok?"

"Oh yea, I am" I replied.

"What do you think? Errmmm I am serious now, I am thinking of it for a while and I guess we match." He continued.

"I can't reply you now, it is marriage, you know, and to be honest, I can't decide whether we can do it or not before seeing you, … , face to face I mean."

"Ok, if that is an important thing for you in deciding, I will come as soon as you are ready for that."

We discussed it more further with some details and hang up the phone. What is making me worried is that I don’t have that loving emotions towards him. I respect him, like to talk to him and find him a very trustful guy, but I never thought of him as a husband.

My sister told me that what I feel towards him are the most important characteristics in a husband, and that love comes after that. Well, I really like him, and she might be true about love coming afterwards.

Now after months of talking more on phone, I started to feel attached to him. He always taught me something new about life. He always tells me "NOT TO RUSH THINGS, AND NEVER EVER PLAN SOMETHING AND DREAM OF IT and FORGET ALL ABOUT OTHER THINGS IN LIFE"

His opinion on such a topic is: plan it well and then leave it to the destiny for arranging it and making it true. He told me how he spent his life dreaming of everything he wanted and seeing it coming true just through patience.

The reason of this conversation was because I always asked him when he will take his vacation. Seeing him face to face was the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle; it will complete everything and we can then go further with our plans.

Months passed and he never could make it. He always told me it was so difficult for him to leave for a vacation in such time of the year. He told me to live my life normally and go forward in anything I was doing, but it was so hard for me to go on.

One year passed and I have done nothing in my life except dreaming of what does he look like? How his voice will match his characteristics? Many questions he would answer it so easily by sending me a picture, but he always refused. He thought that pictures don't show the whole truth. He thinks that all what a picture can show is what your state of happiness was at that specific time. Although I wasn’t convinced with his opinion, but what can I do about it?! So, what I have to do is to wait him.

I decided to do something, rather than just sitting there and waiting. I was really so bored and somehow frustrated. I called him; as soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He calmed me down knowing that he is the reason of all this sadness. He promised me that as soon as I find a job or anything else I am thinking of to do for my own future, he would book a ticket and come to see me.

Again months passed, during these months I had three interviews and got a good job. It is a good change in my life. Time passed without feeling lonely and frustrated as I did before. I even did not care much about him coming soon or not, because I understood the whole idea of how work is. I understand now that work always has the priority. I was enjoying my time and work, and wanted to prove that I can make more progress in it.

But still we stuck to our old habits, we chatted and talked everyday. After he had heard and saw how much work has made a positive affect on me and my personality, he asked me to choose a time during next month for him to come. I was very excited, and couldn't believe it. He was happy too, but asked me to cool down, and reminded me of how we should see and react on future. Plan it well and leave it, don’t think of it after that, till it happens.

We agreed on a date, it was the same day as today, last year. He told me that he will arrive the day before, at night, and the very next day, we both should meet in the café we both go to but in different countries.

I remember how anxious I was, I couldn't sleep. I called him twice at night, trying to kill time. And as usually he calmed me down with his warm wisdom and sweet loving words to leave me again in wonder how he looks like, how will we both know each other???? I decided to force myself to sleep, at least not show up late and not to look like owl eyes from the lack of sleeping.

I was awaked by the alarm tone, I jumped out of bed, and ran to the bathroom, took a fast shower and get dressed in less than five minutes!!! This was a good idea; I arranged everything the night before. I had put the clothes aside, and everything I would use, makeup, accessories and my shoes.

I am in my car, heading towards the mall. What a nice day?!! The weather is chilly. Or is me feeling the weather a bit chilly because of my nervousness.

Usually it takes me five to seven minutes to the mall, I don’t know why all this traffic was for? I drove very slowly till I passed a car accident. It is really very big accident. Policemen were spread and the ambulance had just arrived and they are trying to rescue the people in the cars. There were more than three cars in the accident.

My heart is really beating so fast, it is about to pounce out of my chest as I go inside the café. As I was entering the café, my eyes started to look over the place to find a man who is waiting for someone too. It seems I arrived early.

I went to the nearest table to the window, put my purse on it and stood near the window waiting. I started to worry, he told he will be here before me.

I remember him telling me not to rush things and leave it to destiny. I sat down and ordered my usual coffee and asked for a newspaper to read till he arrives.

Five minutes passed till I was attracted to news which frozen me in chair. The news said that yesterday night and because of unknown reason, the hotel that he was staying in had get burned completely, and the survivor were counted to five, three of them were injured, and the two were not at the hotel at the time if the accident.

I couldn't breath, he was there trying to sleep. He begged me to not to call him anymore. Yes, I remember very good how badly he wanted to sleep and have a rest. It seems that this will be his longest rest ever. God help me, what can I do? Even if I went to see him now, I will never recognize him. It will better not to try to. It is better to keep a healthy fresh face, even if it is not real, rather than a burnt one.

Desperately and unconsciously, I asked for the bill, paid and disappeared from the café. I stood in front of the mall holding the newspaper in my hands, which I must have forgotten to return it, looking at the horrible accident in front of me, and wished I could have done something for those people. I ran to my car, and drove over there and told the police officer if I can do something. Surprisingly he agreed to let me take the people who are not seriously injured. I stuffed my car with people I don’t know. Unfamiliar faces, but same wounds. My wound is similar too, for sure one of them was with a friend or a lover, and they might lost them in the accident as I lost my man in the fire.

Silence was in the car, we all were hurt deep inside to have the willing to talk. In my car were three women who sat behind me, and a man who carried a child with broken arm.

The newspaper was still on my laps, and a big picture of the scene was attached to the news. The man beside me was caught by the newspaper, and politely asked for it. I gave it to him without saying any word.

After a minute or two, he laughed and moved his head right and left; he didn’t seem like happy nor sad. I looked at him with surprise. He apologized and started speaking.

"I always think of how destiny might change your life in few seconds, but after what happened with me in the past two days, I still can't understand how we are controlled with this unknown power of destiny." He said with a long sigh.

I didn’t comment on his statement, I was thinking with him on the same subject.

I asked, "Are you injured?"
"I am not bleeding but I am in pain, my whole body is in shock"
"Don't worry, the hospital is near" I said.

We arrived to the hospital; I helped the women in the car to get out of it, and joined them to the hospital. I stood there with the women and the guy was beside me. We all waited in the emergency hall.

A nurse came to take the some personal information about them all. She started with the young boy, the women and then the man.

"My name is Ashraf Abdullah" he said as he gasped over my reaction.
I looked him in the eye, my mouth was widely open, I couldn’t breath…
"Is this true, your name is Ashraf, are you really ashraf? Hey it me, I am Mona"

He moved to me slowly, and put his hands over my shoulders to calm me down. Without saying a word he moved me towards a chair and asked me to sit down.

"I thought you will are waiting me in the café?" he asked with a low laugh, I said nothing.
"I am joking, hey, come on, for what is all that surprise?" he asked and waited me to answer.

The only two words I could say, "The newspaper.!!!"
He smiled as he understood my reaction, and started to explain what had happened with him last night and today.

A nurse came to take him to get diagnosed, I waited outside till he finished. He was alright.

He put his arm around my shoulder and started to walk outside the hospital. We get into the car.

"I told you never rush things, let the destiny lead you to future." He said.

On the 14th of February

On the 14th of February

On every new calendar I have, I put notes on every special date of every month, like birthdays of family, friends and husband, and mine too, and our anniversary and on the 14th of February.

I always expect the maximum happiness on every occasion and anniversary. Specially after marriage, we females start to enjoy all of these occasion in our special way. We like to feel loved and loving. We want it to be unique and different every time. We get emotionally upset if it didn't work as we wanted it to be.

I am now at home, sitting in my bedroom alone. I am holding this book for about an hour, without reading a word. I am sad because my husband is not here with me on such a day!!! I thought we would having our special night like … like last weekend…

Last weekend, he called and asked me to prepare myself for a wonderful night. After work, he came home, took a shower, put on his clothes, and then we headed to our favorite place. It is the hotel where we usually spend our special moments.

We usually have dinner and dance the whole night. The next morning is a relaxation day, were we throw our routine life behind and just relax.

I remember how many long vacations we took together, we enjoyed traveling together. No matter where we are going, what matters is that we are together.

I jumped to my drawer and pulled our big photo album we have, from the very beginning is our wedding pictures. After that our honeymoon, to be honest, I can't see any different between the pictures of the honeymoon and any other pictures. We enjoyed all our time together. We are always laughing, playing, and dancing.

I don’t remember him making me upset or angry, and if so, he never let me sleep that way. He hates sadness and anger. All he wants from life is to enjoy with me in this short journey" as he name it.

After I finished looking at the pictures, I went to the living room, turned on my laptop. I wanted to send him email, to apologize to him. I feel embarrassed because of my stupid attitude. When he told me he is traveling for 2 weeks, I was outraged, thinking that I will miss one of the most important occasions with him. But now I knew the reason, it is not missing this day I particular, it is how much I am missing him now, and how much I will during these 2 weeks.

I have an email from him, let me see what it is about.

"For my valentine.. I love you just because
.. you are the best thing happened in my life..
.. you are my angel who looks after me..
.. you make me happy in so many ways..
..you laugh with me and listen to me..
..you are you and always let me be me..
.. you fill every day of my life with love..
I Love You

Always be my Valentine
And let us make this one special ,,, as we always do..

Meet me on the MSN

Your love 4ever

I was astonished with his way of making me every time surprised, he has his own ways and ideas.

I am sure now that there is no a special date or day to celebrate our love. We can make all our days full of occasions and anniversaries or we can make them miserable.

Having the husband you always wanted and dreamed of is something I should celebrate every day.

Magic Spell

On the 6th of this month I will be someone I always wanted to be. Looking at the mirror in my room, touching my body a goodbye touches. What a relief and self satisfactory I will feel after that day. Years passed and I feel that I am someone else. It is not me who is walking around the house. I feel that in my husband's eyes and face expressions. After all these years and the bunch of kgs I gained, everything has changed.

I remember every time I stand in front of my closet, how he tries to escape from the coming argument of the clothes not fitting me. He always tries to convince me that I look great and sexy, but no can do. It always ends with tears and sobbing, and most of the time it also leads to a big fight between us.

It usually starts with: " Huni, what shall I wear for tonight?"
He always replies: "Sweet heart, whatever you choose will be great."

I hate it, because I know it is not true. Why should he sweet talk to me?! I have eyes too!!

But who cares now, after three days everything will change. I will be someone else. Then, I can buy whatever style I want to wear. And I will never ask that question ever!!!

I am having lunch today with my hubby. He called and confirmed, and I am running out of time. I should get ready in 15 minutes, before he arrives.

What am I going to wear today?
Mmmm, I like this dress, its colors fits me. I will take my shower now.

Ten minutes later….

I am ready, with this lovely dress, and soft makeup I wore.
I never saw myself so perfect. Yet, I didn’t have the surgery!!!!!!!!!!

I heard the car arriving, I ran to the front door, opened it and stood on the doorsteps with an opened mouth.
He is standing there with a flower bouquet. He walks towards me, gives me the flowers and kiss me on the cheek.

"You look so sexy, baby" he whispered, "What have you done today?!"
"Nothing!!" still surprised with his honesty. I never felt this honesty in his voice.

He led me to the car. Before he starts the car, he sat there beside me, looking at me as if I was a stranger. As if he just noticed my beauty!!

All the way to the restaurant he was telling me how beautiful I am. He admires the dress and everything. All this preparations took only ten minutes!! Is it a dream or imagination? No, it is very true.

We are in the restaurant, ordering our food. But still his eyes are attached to me. Whatever I do and say draw a wide happy smile on his face.

I was really getting nervous now with his reaction. I decided to ask him to stop exaggeration.

"Huni, please, can you stop acting that I am the most beautiful lady you ever saw! Come on, what is going on with you? It is me, I am your wife, the same one for 10 years" I ended this statement with a low laughter.

He laughed back to me, as if I am telling him a joke. Then he looked me in the eyes, all his face expression changed, it became so warm and honest.

He started with approaching my hand, he held it, and said: "I am sure that it is you, my partner during these ten years. You are the same caring and loving wife. It's you, the same lady who stolen my heart long time ago. The same heart, soul, eyes, and hands who took good care of me. It is the same face I look to when I feel too down, to see how life is still worth to smile, love and care. But today, you are different. Not from the outside, you look different from inside. I am sure you have said something to yourself before I arrive; you made this magical spell on your soul to make you look so so beautiful than ever. " he paused, and his smile still there on his face.

"Let me tell you something," he continued, "maybe the first time I saw you in my life, I was attracted to you by the way you looked, and how sexy your body and everything was. But if you are relying on this kind of love, you will be a looser my baby. Because none of us in this world can make it, no one can stay the same for five or ten years. This is what is called nature change. And believe me; with every change in you, I love you more. Every change in your body reminds me of something. This is what is called as "growing together" Do I look the same as you knew me ten years ago?! "
"No"
"Do you want me to look like how I did before ten years ago?"
"No"
"Then why you are expecting me to? I love you as you are. Whatever changed from outside will never affect you from the inside. I am sure of it, I know you well. You are the most beautiful lady from the out and inside. And I hope you will believe me this time. Because it killed me when ever I looked in your eyes and feel that you think me lying to you."
"How did you know that?" I said with a shy smile and red cheeks.
"You are my wife, baby, I know how it works there" pointing to my head.

"But I still want to know. What have you done today, to look so glowing?"
"Well, I was talking to myself, while I was looking at the mirror and see how I will look after the surgery. I even was surprised how I have chosen this dress. I didn’t wear it for years!! But I like it." I replied with happiness drawn on my face.

"Oh baby, you really look so sexy in that dress, actually you made the dress look prettier. Anyway, with or without surgery, you will always be the same to me. The same heart, soul and spirit. So, whatever makes you feel good, go for it. But stay the same from inside!" beggingly he said.

He is flirting me now. What a magic spell is surrounding us!!!

We finished our meal, and as we are heading to the car, he excused me for few minutes. I watched him go inside a shop. After few minutes, he came out with a box in his hand. It is a gift box, wrapped with red fancy paper and a card attached to it.

We both enter the car. He turned to me, kissed me on the cheek and gave me the box.
I opened the card. The words in it made my tears jump out of my eyes.

It says:
To my special WIFE "Grow with me! The best is yet to be…"

We went back home. As he was taking his shower, I sat on the bed and started to open the box. It was the dress I always wished I would have, but I always told myself I will look funny if I wear it.

I took the chance while he was still busy in the bathroom, took off my clothes and tried the new dress. I hesitated to look at the mirror. I peeked slowly, and then I took further steps. I stood in front of the mirror with a surprise. It is lovely. Why have I punished myself all this period?! I am not that bad.

I jumped from my place to the living room, dial the clinic number and canceled the surgery.

"Huni, where are you?" he calls from the room.

"Coming" I replied

"We are invited to dinner today, what are you going to wear?" he shouted.

I entered the room, holding the dress from its sides, and replied " This huni, what do you think?!"

"You look so great sweet heart, and I mean it."

I think the magic spell is still having its affect on us. I hope it will stay around very long.

But what I am sure of is that the magic spell came from inside my soul out of my eyes, letting me see me so beautiful.