HAMASAT

Deep Sleep

2008-05-01T11:41:00.002+03:00

I opened my eyes from a deep sleep. I know I was unconscious for a long time. Was it couple of hours, or a day? I am not sure, but from the numbness in my body I know that it was really long time.

The dreams I saw in my sleep were great and more to be true than dreams. I saw myself there, in that place I always wanted to be in, I was so happy and satisfied. I felt the soft breeze playing with my hair, the sun light burning my cheeks and the drops of the splashing waves of the ocean covered my body with cooling sensation. Everything was perfect; I can not believe all this was a dream.

There are voices calling me, I can hear them clearly now. Everyone said hello, welcome back.

Welcome back? Where have I been? I collected all my left energy to look around and figure out what was going on, but could not see anything. It was dark and still, only voices.

I started to understand, I think I am blind now. I could not resist my tears from falling. I knew that all what I had seen and described was a dream, because there is no way I could have seen this in real. I remember now, as if it is happening again. I can feel how I flew in the air after the car had hit me while I was crossing the street. I remember the driver jumped from his car, approached me, and talked to me to see if I am conscious or not. I can hear his voice so clearly. He was like crying and moaning. He is calling my name and asking me to forgive him!!!

I can not take it anymore; my memory is not helping me at all. My tears are rushing on my cheeks down to my neck till I felt a hand covering my face and wiping these warm salty tears. I felt breathing near my ear. Then he talked to me, it is the same voice I heard after the accident. He started crying again. Then he said: “Sweetie I am very sorry, I did not see you coming in front of the car. I can not forgive myself for all this!!!” Then crying again.

Yeah, I remember now, it is him, my hubby. How come he could not see me while I was standing near the pavement showing him the way inside the garage? It was me who always waiting him on the corner, waving for him and showing him the way into the narrow space for him to park in.

I know you did not do this on purpose. I am sure you never meant to hurt me. But after all these wounds and tears, I forgive with all my heart. But after I lost my vision, do you think I can forgive more? Do you think I can see, to lead you again for any path you want to pass through? What will forgiveness do now?!!!

Home

2008-04-25T03:45:00.004+03:00

We always try to deny reality. Why when it so clear and obvious we try to see the opposite and believe it?!!

We always blame life, when we should blame ourselves. We are only to be blamed of all the failure we go through… because we saw it and ignored it. We did not believe in the truth in front of our eyes.

I always look at my living room, and always see it perfect. It is the furniture I always dreamed of. The same decoration I had in mind for years. When I moved to this house I was happy and excited to the extent I would give up anything in life to live in it as soon as I can. I waited for a long time to call it “Home”. I spent hours in decorating this specific room. I chose the colours, furniture and accessories patiently, and moved the sofas, coffee tables and rugs several time to see what will look better and in which place… It took me days and nights sitting in my lovely living room enjoying the view from each window in it… Trying each sofa and its view… I have three views in my living room. One is opposite to the sea, the other view is on my small yard which is full of flowers, and the last window opens on an open area where you think you are looking at the infinity… the end of the earth… where a huge carpet of green grass is wrapping the whole view.

Every body envied me for the location, and the good taste I added in my home. And I always saw that they were right in their feelings. It really deserved to be envied.

Usually when I have guests at home, I feel like I am a queen in my palace. Eyes were always looking on every corner of my home. I knew there where lots of reasons to admire this lovely place I have.

Till one day, I arrived home from work; I was shocked to see that my home is surrounded by a golden frame. A very fancy frame which made this house looks so beautiful. I never saw it before… I kept standing there for few minutes, which seemed like long boring hours. I felt that all the beauty in my home was because of this expensive frame. I was afraid to go inside and discover that everything inside there was ordinary.

I stepped inside my home, closed the door behind me, and sat on the floor where I was standing. Everything was pale, lifeless and boring. There is nothing inside had its same taste and smell. Actually, it never had any taste or smell. The house was only few walls with some objects to complete the picture.

No one knew that there was no life in all these things inside the house. Objects do not breathe or feel. They are there only to complete a picture we either dreamed of or just wanted it because it is a need.

The truth is painful sometimes, especially when you really believe it.

What can I do to make it like I used to see it? I can keep the frame and let it be as it is, for all people who love to visit me to enjoy its magic, or I can remove the frame and loose its charm.

Which of these options would satisfy me personally? I need my inner peace and at the same time can not ignore the lovely feeling of being proud to have this home when people are around. Both are needs and can not afford to loose one of them. Human beings are selfish, we want everything.

But after knowing and believing the truth I do not think I can enjoy anything again. I should make deal with myself and have to loose one of the options.

If you were me, what would you choose?

Lost between two worlds

2007-07-23T13:08:00.000+03:00

What are the factors that you build up on it a satisfied and secured life?!! Studies say that……….

I have been trying to write one sentence for two hours… I should submit this article by tomorrow, but till now I didn’t write a word…

What's wrong?! All what I am focusing on is an answer to it... a personal answer!! I don’t need to think of an answer now; I need an article for the magazine.

What a question which made me stop and think for all this time?!! Why I can't give myself a quick complete answer and continue writing?!!

I will have a break and try again.

I took a cigarette and step out of my front door. The wind outside is chilly, but I need some fresh air. I can see the lights of some neighbours around my place. If I passed by some of them to ask them this question, will they be confused and stressed like me?!! Or they will just throw some silly words like: love, trust, friendship, kids and feeling secure are the magic factors which make life pink in colour?

But, why I think that these words are silly?!! Aren't they the basics of having a wonderful life?!! Still I didn’t feel the warmth in my heart that tells me –usually- I know the answer. I still feel I am not myself at this point. I am confused and worried about it. I can't skip it and continue writing till I know these factors.

I always thought that I was satisfied and secured in my life. I felt that no one in this world is living like me, and if there is, they are just lucky as I was. If I was, then why I can't use my experience in writing this article?!!!

Why I feel love, trust, friendship, kids and feeling secure are not the most important factors of satisfaction? Aren't these the important subjects of life that all people scarify everything to have them? Well, I used to think so, but not anymore…

At this point, I feel that there is something else, when you get it, you will feel the satisfaction.

I want to go back to the writing again, and try to concentrate more on the subject itself rather than on myself…

"What one might want to feel that he reached the limit of wanting anything?" I thought… let me put it in another words…"When do u consider yourself satisfied?" or "What is self-satisfaction?"

SELF… I feel that I am getting near… my heart bounced when the word "self" passed my mind…

What does "SELF" means? Or "what is the self?" Or "what ..not what…"

"Why when we think of satisfaction we relate it to other people and things in life?" I think this is the right question… "Self is self" that means one person only.. It is not about you and your husband/boyfriend, it is not about you and your job, it is not about you and your kids…it is about you and YOURself …

I feel a little bit comfortable than before… I think I am on the right path of finding the answer…

Now I need to think about myself a bit to see if I can find an answer to my satisfaction…

I should ask myself several questions, like:
What target I am running toward in my personal/professional life? Let me leave my profession life aside now, and concentrate on my personal one.
I want to concentrate on what I am giving not on what I am receiving… … … Minutes are passing like turtle steps and I am still having a lot in mind.

It took me more than one hour thinking of all the things I gave with all my heart to people I love and care about… this is not the self-satisfaction… I need to think about what I am receiving from life not from "people" …

Life gave me a lot. I can make a list from it, but did life give me what I "wanted" or just gave me what was on offer at the time?!

Now I need to think of what I received from myself!!! What have I done to make sure I will be happy, secured and satisfied? Did I give myself the priority in everything? Or there were always people who interrupt my path to give them my attention?

I am going back into depression; I don’t feel I can have a complete answer to this question. It is too complicated for me and I guess it will make my life miserable.

Here you go, another confusing question… "Are what I thought will make me satisfied 3 years ago are the same which will make me NOW?!!!" or things change as we get older, wiser, and more mature? Are what we need from life should be changeable or time and circumstances will not affect it?

I need someone to help me in article… I need people to discuss and argue about this… some one should give me more questions to know where I am … in which world I live, world of "satisfaction" or world of "I thought it was satisfaction"

I think I will transfer this article into a questionnaire and let me see what results I wil get from my readers…

Is it TOO late or not YET?!!!

2007-06-05T21:27:00.000+03:00

I felt a breeze on my face tingling me... I started to think so slowly and unclearly... Shall I open my eyes? I dont feel like to... The feeling is so nice and dreamy...

I always think of this feeling... why i feel it only while I am asleep?!! Is it because it is only a dream?!!

I love to be hugged with all these sweet dreams. This is one of the reasons of why i go to sleep so early!!! Just to guarantee to feel all this as much as I can...

In this special moment, i feel as if I am surfing on the tides... Going up and down, feeling cold and warm, burnt by the sun lights and cooling into the shadows... What a feeling!!! Wish it will never end...

But as much as I live this moments, i should openmy eyes and end this dream...

I live in a normal house, have a normal life, and married to a man... This is my life...

As each time I awake after this great dream, I feel i can't walk my legs... I feel lazy... I make my coffee & sit near the big window in this speific room...

This is the only room i didn't stuffed it with furniture... only this lazy boy facing the window... with this garden view... which i like most... From this side of the garden i can see the best angle of the street & neighbourhood... Everything is smiling and fresh through the window... Sometimes butterflies stand on the flowers I planted outside the window...

This room and view remind me of my lovely dream... Whenever I am there I feel I am out of space... Some where back in the "what if" world...

This question lived with me as a shadow of every single moment in my life... With every word and discussion.. with every fight or fun time... with every sickness and wellness... How it will be if ....? How it will sound if....? How will it taste if....?

I feel lifeless and spiritless without these sweet dreams and my empty room... If i didn't swim there so often i will feel lost & dead...

The walls of my house are pale, dull, and sad...

How many times I painted them... and hung pictures here and there.. but still can't feel the beauty on it...

Yesterday was the last time I added new pictures on some empty spaces... but i don't feel the change...

The door bell rang... I stepped to the door in a slow motion while looking around the place to check that the house is i a good condition if outside the door is a visitor...

I opened the door, it is my neighbour... she is used to pass by from time to time to check on me... because I rarely go outside or even visit any of the neighbours...

She sat on the same place she sits everytime.. saying that it is the best place in the room.. plus she loves my living room!!!!!!!!

Is she crazy... i don't like it... as I said it is dull...

When ever she comes into this room... she starts to look around to figure out the change and she finds it...

She admire my taste in my decoration... she always tells me how I have this creativity to make a simple change to a great new look... and everytime she goes towards the curtains and pull them to let the sun rush into my walls and frames on them...

Each time she does that I feel the struggle between the lovely sun roaming in the room and my sadness inside my heart... as much as I want to feel the beauty as she does.. as much I feel sadder because I can't...

No one in this house cares about... I tried my best at the beggining... I gave these walls all my attention and effort... but without any appreciation or interest...till i reached this level...

I am still concerned about the little touches here and there... but it is not for me... it is for the people around... all strangers who comes in and out noticing all this beauty and talk about it endlessly...

As i was cleaning the cups after my friend went back to her home... and as I was preparing the table to have our lunch... he came in... from work as usual... at the same time like every day... He took a glance at me as he did everytime... he stunned as he passed the new frame on the wall...

I watched quitely... he took a look on it... and without any expression or even a word... he fixed the frame as he saw it was a bit unleveled...

This never happened before!!! He nevered cared about it all!!! He never noticed!!!

Why now?!!! In this timing!!! Is there a reason?!!!

Did he remember all my sadness and anger?!!! Did he realised how impotant that is to me?!!!

Is it important to me as before? or shall I say "was" important?!!!!!

I believe there is always a reason for any thing in life... but...

Is it TOO late or not YET?!!!!

What does he look like?

2007-02-25T12:48:00.000+02:00

I met him on the msn a year ago; he is living in a very far place from mine. We talk nearly every day. He is very smart person and funny too. When we are usually on line, we never feel the time passing. We talk about every thing happening around, politics, work, weather, and some shallow personal stuff.

It is 11 pm now; I am in my room trying to rest from this long tiring day. Two hours passed and till now my eyes are widely open. I even can't relax in my bed. I am trying to understand what is the point of what happened with me in the past two years.

We started talking about relationships and commitments. He told me that he is in a phase of life that he is ready to start a family. We talked about it in general for about an hour, till he asked me to be his "wife". I was shocked and surprised, happy but frightened. I didn't say any word, just stared at the words on the screen. My phone rang, I looked at it and it was him.

I answered the phone and he was like: "where are you?" his voice seemed very worried, "are you ok?"

"Oh yea, I am" I replied.

"What do you think? Errmmm I am serious now, I am thinking of it for a while and I guess we match." He continued.

"I can't reply you now, it is marriage, you know, and to be honest, I can't decide whether we can do it or not before seeing you, … , face to face I mean."

"Ok, if that is an important thing for you in deciding, I will come as soon as you are ready for that."

We discussed it more further with some details and hang up the phone. What is making me worried is that I don’t have that loving emotions towards him. I respect him, like to talk to him and find him a very trustful guy, but I never thought of him as a husband.

My sister told me that what I feel towards him are the most important characteristics in a husband, and that love comes after that. Well, I really like him, and she might be true about love coming afterwards.

Now after months of talking more on phone, I started to feel attached to him. He always taught me something new about life. He always tells me "NOT TO RUSH THINGS, AND NEVER EVER PLAN SOMETHING AND DREAM OF IT and FORGET ALL ABOUT OTHER THINGS IN LIFE"

His opinion on such a topic is: plan it well and then leave it to the destiny for arranging it and making it true. He told me how he spent his life dreaming of everything he wanted and seeing it coming true just through patience.

The reason of this conversation was because I always asked him when he will take his vacation. Seeing him face to face was the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle; it will complete everything and we can then go further with our plans.

Months passed and he never could make it. He always told me it was so difficult for him to leave for a vacation in such time of the year. He told me to live my life normally and go forward in anything I was doing, but it was so hard for me to go on.

One year passed and I have done nothing in my life except dreaming of what does he look like? How his voice will match his characteristics? Many questions he would answer it so easily by sending me a picture, but he always refused. He thought that pictures don't show the whole truth. He thinks that all what a picture can show is what your state of happiness was at that specific time. Although I wasn’t convinced with his opinion, but what can I do about it?! So, what I have to do is to wait him.

I decided to do something, rather than just sitting there and waiting. I was really so bored and somehow frustrated. I called him; as soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He calmed me down knowing that he is the reason of all this sadness. He promised me that as soon as I find a job or anything else I am thinking of to do for my own future, he would book a ticket and come to see me.

Again months passed, during these months I had three interviews and got a good job. It is a good change in my life. Time passed without feeling lonely and frustrated as I did before. I even did not care much about him coming soon or not, because I understood the whole idea of how work is. I understand now that work always has the priority. I was enjoying my time and work, and wanted to prove that I can make more progress in it.

But still we stuck to our old habits, we chatted and talked everyday. After he had heard and saw how much work has made a positive affect on me and my personality, he asked me to choose a time during next month for him to come. I was very excited, and couldn't believe it. He was happy too, but asked me to cool down, and reminded me of how we should see and react on future. Plan it well and leave it, don’t think of it after that, till it happens.

We agreed on a date, it was the same day as today, last year. He told me that he will arrive the day before, at night, and the very next day, we both should meet in the café we both go to but in different countries.

I remember how anxious I was, I couldn't sleep. I called him twice at night, trying to kill time. And as usually he calmed me down with his warm wisdom and sweet loving words to leave me again in wonder how he looks like, how will we both know each other???? I decided to force myself to sleep, at least not show up late and not to look like owl eyes from the lack of sleeping.

I was awaked by the alarm tone, I jumped out of bed, and ran to the bathroom, took a fast shower and get dressed in less than five minutes!!! This was a good idea; I arranged everything the night before. I had put the clothes aside, and everything I would use, makeup, accessories and my shoes.

I am in my car, heading towards the mall. What a nice day?!! The weather is chilly. Or is me feeling the weather a bit chilly because of my nervousness.

Usually it takes me five to seven minutes to the mall, I don’t know why all this traffic was for? I drove very slowly till I passed a car accident. It is really very big accident. Policemen were spread and the ambulance had just arrived and they are trying to rescue the people in the cars. There were more than three cars in the accident.

My heart is really beating so fast, it is about to pounce out of my chest as I go inside the café. As I was entering the café, my eyes started to look over the place to find a man who is waiting for someone too. It seems I arrived early.

I went to the nearest table to the window, put my purse on it and stood near the window waiting. I started to worry, he told he will be here before me.

I remember him telling me not to rush things and leave it to destiny. I sat down and ordered my usual coffee and asked for a newspaper to read till he arrives.

Five minutes passed till I was attracted to news which frozen me in chair. The news said that yesterday night and because of unknown reason, the hotel that he was staying in had get burned completely, and the survivor were counted to five, three of them were injured, and the two were not at the hotel at the time if the accident.

I couldn't breath, he was there trying to sleep. He begged me to not to call him anymore. Yes, I remember very good how badly he wanted to sleep and have a rest. It seems that this will be his longest rest ever. God help me, what can I do? Even if I went to see him now, I will never recognize him. It will better not to try to. It is better to keep a healthy fresh face, even if it is not real, rather than a burnt one.

Desperately and unconsciously, I asked for the bill, paid and disappeared from the café. I stood in front of the mall holding the newspaper in my hands, which I must have forgotten to return it, looking at the horrible accident in front of me, and wished I could have done something for those people. I ran to my car, and drove over there and told the police officer if I can do something. Surprisingly he agreed to let me take the people who are not seriously injured. I stuffed my car with people I don’t know. Unfamiliar faces, but same wounds. My wound is similar too, for sure one of them was with a friend or a lover, and they might lost them in the accident as I lost my man in the fire.

Silence was in the car, we all were hurt deep inside to have the willing to talk. In my car were three women who sat behind me, and a man who carried a child with broken arm.

The newspaper was still on my laps, and a big picture of the scene was attached to the news. The man beside me was caught by the newspaper, and politely asked for it. I gave it to him without saying any word.

After a minute or two, he laughed and moved his head right and left; he didn’t seem like happy nor sad. I looked at him with surprise. He apologized and started speaking.

"I always think of how destiny might change your life in few seconds, but after what happened with me in the past two days, I still can't understand how we are controlled with this unknown power of destiny." He said with a long sigh.

I didn’t comment on his statement, I was thinking with him on the same subject.

I asked, "Are you injured?"
"I am not bleeding but I am in pain, my whole body is in shock"
"Don't worry, the hospital is near" I said.

We arrived to the hospital; I helped the women in the car to get out of it, and joined them to the hospital. I stood there with the women and the guy was beside me. We all waited in the emergency hall.

A nurse came to take the some personal information about them all. She started with the young boy, the women and then the man.

"My name is Ashraf Abdullah" he said as he gasped over my reaction.
I looked him in the eye, my mouth was widely open, I couldn’t breath…
"Is this true, your name is Ashraf, are you really ashraf? Hey it me, I am Mona"

He moved to me slowly, and put his hands over my shoulders to calm me down. Without saying a word he moved me towards a chair and asked me to sit down.

"I thought you will are waiting me in the café?" he asked with a low laugh, I said nothing.
"I am joking, hey, come on, for what is all that surprise?" he asked and waited me to answer.

The only two words I could say, "The newspaper.!!!"
He smiled as he understood my reaction, and started to explain what had happened with him last night and today.

A nurse came to take him to get diagnosed, I waited outside till he finished. He was alright.

He put his arm around my shoulder and started to walk outside the hospital. We get into the car.

"I told you never rush things, let the destiny lead you to future." He said.

On the 14th of February

2007-02-14T11:32:00.000+02:00

On the 14th of February

On every new calendar I have, I put notes on every special date of every month, like birthdays of family, friends and husband, and mine too, and our anniversary and on the 14th of February.

I always expect the maximum happiness on every occasion and anniversary. Specially after marriage, we females start to enjoy all of these occasion in our special way. We like to feel loved and loving. We want it to be unique and different every time. We get emotionally upset if it didn't work as we wanted it to be.

I am now at home, sitting in my bedroom alone. I am holding this book for about an hour, without reading a word. I am sad because my husband is not here with me on such a day!!! I thought we would having our special night like … like last weekend…

Last weekend, he called and asked me to prepare myself for a wonderful night. After work, he came home, took a shower, put on his clothes, and then we headed to our favorite place. It is the hotel where we usually spend our special moments.

We usually have dinner and dance the whole night. The next morning is a relaxation day, were we throw our routine life behind and just relax.

I remember how many long vacations we took together, we enjoyed traveling together. No matter where we are going, what matters is that we are together.

I jumped to my drawer and pulled our big photo album we have, from the very beginning is our wedding pictures. After that our honeymoon, to be honest, I can't see any different between the pictures of the honeymoon and any other pictures. We enjoyed all our time together. We are always laughing, playing, and dancing.

I don’t remember him making me upset or angry, and if so, he never let me sleep that way. He hates sadness and anger. All he wants from life is to enjoy with me in this short journey" as he name it.

After I finished looking at the pictures, I went to the living room, turned on my laptop. I wanted to send him email, to apologize to him. I feel embarrassed because of my stupid attitude. When he told me he is traveling for 2 weeks, I was outraged, thinking that I will miss one of the most important occasions with him. But now I knew the reason, it is not missing this day I particular, it is how much I am missing him now, and how much I will during these 2 weeks.

I have an email from him, let me see what it is about.

"For my valentine.. I love you just because
.. you are the best thing happened in my life..
.. you are my angel who looks after me..
.. you make me happy in so many ways..
..you laugh with me and listen to me..
..you are you and always let me be me..
.. you fill every day of my life with love..
I Love You

Always be my Valentine
And let us make this one special ,,, as we always do..

Meet me on the MSN

Your love 4ever

I was astonished with his way of making me every time surprised, he has his own ways and ideas.

I am sure now that there is no a special date or day to celebrate our love. We can make all our days full of occasions and anniversaries or we can make them miserable.

Having the husband you always wanted and dreamed of is something I should celebrate every day.

Magic Spell

2007-02-07T14:57:00.000+02:00

On the 6th of this month I will be someone I always wanted to be. Looking at the mirror in my room, touching my body a goodbye touches. What a relief and self satisfactory I will feel after that day. Years passed and I feel that I am someone else. It is not me who is walking around the house. I feel that in my husband's eyes and face expressions. After all these years and the bunch of kgs I gained, everything has changed.

I remember every time I stand in front of my closet, how he tries to escape from the coming argument of the clothes not fitting me. He always tries to convince me that I look great and sexy, but no can do. It always ends with tears and sobbing, and most of the time it also leads to a big fight between us.

It usually starts with: " Huni, what shall I wear for tonight?"
He always replies: "Sweet heart, whatever you choose will be great."

I hate it, because I know it is not true. Why should he sweet talk to me?! I have eyes too!!

But who cares now, after three days everything will change. I will be someone else. Then, I can buy whatever style I want to wear. And I will never ask that question ever!!!

I am having lunch today with my hubby. He called and confirmed, and I am running out of time. I should get ready in 15 minutes, before he arrives.

What am I going to wear today?
Mmmm, I like this dress, its colors fits me. I will take my shower now.

Ten minutes later….

I am ready, with this lovely dress, and soft makeup I wore.
I never saw myself so perfect. Yet, I didn’t have the surgery!!!!!!!!!!

I heard the car arriving, I ran to the front door, opened it and stood on the doorsteps with an opened mouth.
He is standing there with a flower bouquet. He walks towards me, gives me the flowers and kiss me on the cheek.

"You look so sexy, baby" he whispered, "What have you done today?!"
"Nothing!!" still surprised with his honesty. I never felt this honesty in his voice.

He led me to the car. Before he starts the car, he sat there beside me, looking at me as if I was a stranger. As if he just noticed my beauty!!

All the way to the restaurant he was telling me how beautiful I am. He admires the dress and everything. All this preparations took only ten minutes!! Is it a dream or imagination? No, it is very true.

We are in the restaurant, ordering our food. But still his eyes are attached to me. Whatever I do and say draw a wide happy smile on his face.

I was really getting nervous now with his reaction. I decided to ask him to stop exaggeration.

"Huni, please, can you stop acting that I am the most beautiful lady you ever saw! Come on, what is going on with you? It is me, I am your wife, the same one for 10 years" I ended this statement with a low laughter.

He laughed back to me, as if I am telling him a joke. Then he looked me in the eyes, all his face expression changed, it became so warm and honest.

He started with approaching my hand, he held it, and said: "I am sure that it is you, my partner during these ten years. You are the same caring and loving wife. It's you, the same lady who stolen my heart long time ago. The same heart, soul, eyes, and hands who took good care of me. It is the same face I look to when I feel too down, to see how life is still worth to smile, love and care. But today, you are different. Not from the outside, you look different from inside. I am sure you have said something to yourself before I arrive; you made this magical spell on your soul to make you look so so beautiful than ever. " he paused, and his smile still there on his face.

"Let me tell you something," he continued, "maybe the first time I saw you in my life, I was attracted to you by the way you looked, and how sexy your body and everything was. But if you are relying on this kind of love, you will be a looser my baby. Because none of us in this world can make it, no one can stay the same for five or ten years. This is what is called nature change. And believe me; with every change in you, I love you more. Every change in your body reminds me of something. This is what is called as "growing together" Do I look the same as you knew me ten years ago?! "
"No"
"Do you want me to look like how I did before ten years ago?"
"No"
"Then why you are expecting me to? I love you as you are. Whatever changed from outside will never affect you from the inside. I am sure of it, I know you well. You are the most beautiful lady from the out and inside. And I hope you will believe me this time. Because it killed me when ever I looked in your eyes and feel that you think me lying to you."
"How did you know that?" I said with a shy smile and red cheeks.
"You are my wife, baby, I know how it works there" pointing to my head.

"But I still want to know. What have you done today, to look so glowing?"
"Well, I was talking to myself, while I was looking at the mirror and see how I will look after the surgery. I even was surprised how I have chosen this dress. I didn’t wear it for years!! But I like it." I replied with happiness drawn on my face.

"Oh baby, you really look so sexy in that dress, actually you made the dress look prettier. Anyway, with or without surgery, you will always be the same to me. The same heart, soul and spirit. So, whatever makes you feel good, go for it. But stay the same from inside!" beggingly he said.

He is flirting me now. What a magic spell is surrounding us!!!

We finished our meal, and as we are heading to the car, he excused me for few minutes. I watched him go inside a shop. After few minutes, he came out with a box in his hand. It is a gift box, wrapped with red fancy paper and a card attached to it.

We both enter the car. He turned to me, kissed me on the cheek and gave me the box.
I opened the card. The words in it made my tears jump out of my eyes.

It says:
To my special WIFE "Grow with me! The best is yet to be…"

We went back home. As he was taking his shower, I sat on the bed and started to open the box. It was the dress I always wished I would have, but I always told myself I will look funny if I wear it.

I took the chance while he was still busy in the bathroom, took off my clothes and tried the new dress. I hesitated to look at the mirror. I peeked slowly, and then I took further steps. I stood in front of the mirror with a surprise. It is lovely. Why have I punished myself all this period?! I am not that bad.

I jumped from my place to the living room, dial the clinic number and canceled the surgery.

"Huni, where are you?" he calls from the room.

"Coming" I replied

"We are invited to dinner today, what are you going to wear?" he shouted.

I entered the room, holding the dress from its sides, and replied " This huni, what do you think?!"

"You look so great sweet heart, and I mean it."

I think the magic spell is still having its affect on us. I hope it will stay around very long.

But what I am sure of is that the magic spell came from inside my soul out of my eyes, letting me see me so beautiful.

Jigsaw puzzle

2006-12-14T15:26:00.000+02:00

"What time is it now? Oh it is 10-30! Still early I guess" talking to myself after I finished my house work -which never ends- I headed to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.

I sat on my lazy-chair to drink my coffee. I looked all around the living room, it looked very neat and cozy, I think it is a treasure to be in love with your home.

Suddenly I started to think of my life, I mean my own personal life. I wonder if I am happy, or satisfied. Since I get married I was concentrating on my home, husband and kids. I am happy to be a perfect wife and mum. They are my life. So, when they are perfect I guess I am too.

But still when I think of it this way, I don’t feel the satisfaction I need. There is still something missing. What could it be?!!! My home is perfect, my kids are wonderful and well educated, and my beloved husband is a kind husband, he loves me and respects me.

He never forgot how I was there beside him for good and bad, in ups and downs. He always reminds me of it and rewards me for everything I have done to him. His warm and loving words are the most wonderful kind of rewards for me. I guess I own the world when he expresses his feelings and appreciation.

Who on the world will not be happy to have all this?!! But yet I feel there is something missing. I have to search for it and find it. I should know what will make me in my best levels of happiness.

I stood up and started to make a tour in my home. I looked from the window to see the front yard, where we used to make our barbeque gatherings with neighbors and friends. We had good time sharing these moments together.

I released it will be difficult to remember all these memories and can't draw a smile on my face. I don’t know what is going on with me today!! But there should be something wrong and I should know it, sooner or later.

I decided to take a shower, I went to my bathroom, I opened the tap and let the water run till I get my things ready. I tested the water on my finger tips, it is warm. I get in the tub, but I felt too lazy, so I decided to spoil myself today.

I reached to the foam bath, I stared at the bottle. It is full. I tried to remember when the last time I used it was; I think it was like years. I emptied half of it in the tub, and started to relax.

Silence for about half an hour, this silence was in my mind, heart and soul. I thought of nothing, just live the second with my soul. What a relief?!! I miss it so much. I miss being with myself. No one around, no one in my mind, except me.

I felt dizzy. I didn’t realize that I am going into a deep sleep, or to be more accurate, deep relaxation. Time passed, the water began to be a bit cold on my body, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying every second alone. I want it to be everlasting enjoyment.

I open my eyes, I felt cold now. I took my towel and wrap myself in it. I went to my room and lie on the bed. It took me another fifteen minutes to gather my strength and energy back. I suddenly opened my eyes and knew what I should do now. I sat in front of the mirror, looked at myself.
"When was the last time you pampered yourself?" I talk to myself in the mirror.
"All what you cared of is your family, and between these busy days you forgot yourself!"
"You should have time for yourself too! You are spending your time watching the family and no one is looking after you! There is no harm in having couple of hours a week for you."
What a big smile was drawn on my face after I discovered what was missing.
I decided to wear some makeup, and get dressed to go outside.
I called my husband, he was too busy to answer my calls. But I insisted on calling his mobile, till he answered me.
"What's up darling?" he wondered, "I am in a middle of a meeting, is there anything wrong with you?!" he asked.
"No, sweetie. I just wanted to tell you that I am going out for lunch today, so, I want you to bring the kids from school, and take them out for lunch because I didn’t cook." Nervously I answered him, knowing nothing of what might his reaction would be.
"Out for lunch?! You have never done it before! emmm But if you feel like spending some private time by yourself it is ok. But next time try to tell me before, to make sure of my plans too. Don’t worry, I will bring the kids. You go and have fun… by the way, with whom are you going out?" he asked
"What a good question?" I thought.
"mmm believe it or not, I don’t know" I answered.
"ok, here is an idea, you go and do some shopping, and when it is time to bring the kids, I will bring them and call you to go all together and have launch outside, what do you think?" he asked.
"oh yeh, this seems fun. I am going to the mall." I replied.
"ok huni, have fun."
End of the call.

I started my car, heading to the mall. All the way I was thinking about one thing. I should start new life style, with some activities and fun with some of my friends which we didn’t meet for years.
I discovered that there is no perfection in life, but at least we can make it look like perfect. Like a jigsaw puzzle, it is a full picture, but all you need to do is to gather it to make a wonderful image.

The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind

2006-12-05T13:40:00.000+02:00

By Dr. Joseph Murphy

During reading this book, I decided to share you with all this miracles i am learning of our human bodies. We, then, could understand the power we have and the abilities we are gifted by God and we can manage to change our lives to the better.

This book is about how the conscious and subconsious mind work together. It teaches us how to control the subconscious mind by the conscios one.

Enjoy!!

Wonders Happen When We Pray Effectivily!!

Scientific prayer is the harmonious interact of the conscious and subconscious levels of mind scientifically directed to a specific purpose..

The Buddhist, the Christian, the Muslim, and the Jew may all get answers to their prayers, in spite of the enormous differences among their states beliefs. How can this happen? The answer is that it is not because of the particular religion, but solely because of belief or mental acceptance and receptivity about that for which they pray.

Everyone desires health, happiness, security, peace of mind, and true exxpression. But how many of us achieve all these goals? All you have to do is unite mentally and emotionally with the good wish to embody. The creative powers of your subconscious will respond accordinally.

Think of this with me:

A magnetized piece of iron will lift about 12 times its own weight. But if you demagnetized this same piece of iron, it will not lift even a feather. In the same way, there are two types of people. Those who are magnetized are full of confidence and faith. They know they are born to succeed and to win. Others, are demagnetized. They are full of fears and doubts.their fear to go forward makes them simply stay where they are.

The Marvellous Power Of Your Subconscious

Once you learn to contact and release the hidden power of your subconscious mind, you can bring into your life more power, more wealth, more health, more happiness, and more joy.

Your subconscious mind is principle. It works according to the law of belief. You must know what belief is, why it works, and how it works.

All your experiences, events, conditions, and acts are produced by your subconscious mind in the reaction to your thoughts. So, stop accepting the false beliefs, opinions, superstitions, and fears that plague our humankind. Begin to believe in the truths of life that never change. At that point you will move onward, upward, and Godward.

When your mind thinks correctly, when you understand the truth, when the thoughts deposited in your subconscious mind are constructive, harmonious, and peaceful, the magic working power of your subconscious wil respond. It will bring about hamonious conditions, agreeable surroundings, and the best of everything. Once you begin to control your thoughts processes, you can apply the powers of your subconscious to any problem or difficulty. You will actually be consciously cooperating with the infinite power that governs all things.

Your subconscious mind doesnot argue with you. It accepts what your conscious mind decrees. You have the power to choose. Choose health and happiness. Choose to be cooperative, joyous, lovable, and the whole world will respond. This is the best way to develop a wonderful personality.

The suggestions of others have no power to hurt you. The only power is the movement of of your own thought. You can choose to reject the thoughts of others and affirm the good. You have the power to choose how you wil react.

Whatever your consious mind assumes and believes to be true, your subconscious mind will accept and bring to pass. Believe in good fortune, divine guidance, right action, and all the blessings of life.

If you want to know more, just buy the book " The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind"

Difficult to understand US :)

2006-12-02T19:25:00.000+02:00

Women are very complicated creatures. As much as you, MEN, think you understand her, you still miss a lot. Not because you fail in this job, on the contrary, sometimes you try your best, but it is because of the target and the benefit of your efforts.

You want to understand women because beside her you are a failure. You want to know why you win everything around you, and when it comes to understand how we think you feel you are a looser!!

I will give you one reason: it is because you want to understand her to win her later, not to give her what she needs from you. Once you feel you got all the knowledge and master the instruction book attached to women, you will abandon her.

You are too busy to hear her, to comfort her, to pamper her. So why are you concerned to understand her? You men should know something; women are not stupid creatures…

Not because we are emotional creatures we should be empty from inside. Not because we are very helpful human beings we are loosers. Not because we give birth to your children we don’t understand anything except in changing diapers. Not because we cook your meal everyday our bodies smells onions. Not because our tears fall when you are far away means we can't live without you!!!

If you are a man, read the previous paragraph and think, can you do one of the mentioned activities we master without complaining or messing or .. or .. or ..

Maybe one or two out of hundred would, but not all of you, and still you think you are superior!!! Women can do all what you men do. You think that your work outside your home is the greatest job which differentiates you men from women.

Look around you men, women are Doctors, Engineers, Nurses, Teachers, Graphic Designers, Dentists, Architectures, Managers in different fields etc … Women are everywhere, why? Do you think the employers want their companies to bankrupt?!!! I think not!!

I have read an article in a newspaper; it said that women are more organized humans, either at home or at office. Are we lower than you men?! Are we loosers as you think? We never were, and never will be? Just try to take it so easily and live with it.

Maybe some men will think that I am against men. Believe me I am not, I just want you men to know what we feel when we see your pride against us in you eyes.

As I said before, women are very sensitive creatures. We can feel everything you are thinking of inside your factories (brains). Sometimes we know that you are laughing at us, and you are not taking us seriously. But not because we are stupid and silly we skip it, it is because we trust in our abilities to change it one day. We keep our believes and fate in ourselves and work on it without complaining…

We believe that the stronger is who wins at the end. I know now what you are thinking of, men. You think of it as a battle, and you are smiling to see the swords on our necks, and you are the winner. But do you know how women see herself winner?! She sees herself in a lovely home, with her sweetheart husband, which she wins the battle because of you beside her, not because you are her enemy!! She wins the battle because of you, not against you!! Can see the difference?!!

Why men feel upset beside women? When a man talks to a woman who is crying and has a problem, he starts to find her a solution to her problem, he gives her options, do this and that. The more the options are, the more the tears fall. The more the tears fall, the man gets aggressive and out raged, why? I have a good explanation: you men get angry for two reasons:

1- you feel that the women you are trying to help her is so weak, can't help herself, and collapse into tears for a silly problem.
2- You can't see helpless, you get surprised and depressed to see that you are not helping. You are so selfish.

Do you know what we need from you in such situation? What we need is a light hug, and one short statement: honey, I believe in you, and I am sure you can solve your problem, and I will be beside you if you needed any help. PEACE OF CAKE, right?!

I would write 1000 pages in this topic, but I want to make as short as it could be and useful too.

What I want to convert to all of you men, is don’t make fun of us, and don’t think that we have the silliest interest in life.

One thing to remember: we can live without you, but you can't.

Trust our abilities and stand next to us, not behind us to support, because as much as you think you support us, we support you more than you imagine. Without our support you can't support us, but think of it the opposite way, we can support you without your support.

We are very intelligent to understand every change in your personality and every development in your spiritual state of mind. We respect your escape to your cave when you are in your deepest depression, and we share with you your happiness when you win a battle.

What do you do for us? Give me your answers men, what do you provide women, and please don’t tell me money, remember, we can make money.

How can you accept yourself a competitive not a superior? Show me how you love your women, tell me when you stood for her, not for yourself?

13 year old GIRL

2006-11-09T11:59:00.000+02:00

I opened my eyes to see nothing around me.. It is too dark in here. What time is it? I sat on my bed, trying to figure out what had happened.. I remember that I came back from school so tired; I told my mother that I am going to take a hot shower and go to sleep for an hour. I asked her to awake me because I have a lot of homework to do. But I think she forgot all about me, and it is night already.

My hair was still wet, that mean I didn’t sleep for a long time!! Then why it is so dark in here. I called my mother, once, twice but no one answered. I shouted louder, but only the silence replied. I began to freak out. Why no one in this house is answering my calls. I feel I can't move in my own room. It is really too dark to see my own finger.

I sat there in my place hoping that someone would come and help me. My brother and sister usually are at home by this time.

I thought I would relax in my bed till one of my family members would find me!

I began to think of what happened with me during these few months. This week was the fourth week in my new school. We had to move out of our old house to this new one. I loved the other one more. I had memories in that house. Although this one was bigger and in a fancy neighborhood area, but still the old one was full of life and love.

This house is so quite and empty of any emotion of feelings. I don’t remember we had a chat or shared a laugh here. Every one of us is living in this house separately. The only meal we share here is dinner. The dullest dinners ever!!

I raised my head to look into the darkness, why is it still so dark? I suppose I should get used to it and at least can find the way to the door!!! I shouted again, louder this time but I could only hear my voice.

I stood up, and stretched my hands into the emptiness around. I was frightened. My heart was jumping inside my chest. I stepped few steps but why I don’t feel like walking. As if I am walking on the spot!!! God help, what is wrong with me? am I dreaming? Oh maybe..

I closed my eyes again, and sat down on my bed, which was cold and solid. I feel like I am swimming in the air, it is a relief. Here they are, all my friends and neighbors I used to talk to in our old place. They are all smiling to me.

How much I miss you all..
I miss my school..
I miss the way I used to walk to school and back home each day..
I miss my teachers..
I miss my friends..
I miss my family too..
Where are they?
Why they are so pale? I can't see them clearly!!
"Mum" I shouted so loudly this time.
"Yes dear" she replied laughing so loudly..
I opened my eyes, she was standing there beside me, holding my hand. The day light was filling the room.
"How many hours did I sleep?" I asked, thinking that I slept for two or more days.
"Half an hour, I was passing by your room when I heard you shouting. I came in and found you sleeping with your arms stretched in the air, and calling me, an…"
I interrupted, "that means it is still Monday?"
"Yeh, what's wrong with you" getting serious now.
"Offfffffff nothing ... it is only a dream..." I looked around but the new house is not a dream... It is real...
"Mum, why I don’t like this house and neighborhood? Even the school, I don’t have friends yet. No one is talking to me... Everything seems weird to me... Even you, my brother and sister... I hate this house... What happened to us is like a nightmare..." I started to cry out loudly.

My mum sat beside me on the bed, gave me warm hug. She had to comfort me before telling me why we had to move out.
"Sweetheart, you were born in that house, I can understand why you are so connected to everything there... But you should know that nothing in this life stay the way it is... One day anything would change… you should learn how to adapt with your new lifestyle…" kissed me on the cheek, leaving me on my bed thinking of her words…

Is it fair to keep on knowing people and making friends and then suddenly you don’t see them!!!

Never look back

2006-10-05T06:50:00.000+03:00

Usually we think of what we didn’t get from this life, and we, sometimes, get sad or even raged for what we wanted and never had. Most of us misunderstand the philosophy of life; people think that everything we get or happen to us is a matter of destiny.

In my opinion, at the first beginning it is a matter of life coincidence, then it is a matter of how you deal with it; how you think and decide, and then fate plays its role after you choose whether you want it or not.

Me as any adolescent, I wanted too many things, I wanted good college to study in, I wanted money to buy a lot of clothes and makeup, I wanted a cool group to have fun with. Too many wishes I guess.

I enrolled in a university, but the one I didn’t choose by my own will, there were no choices. I had to join that one. I thought, it was destiny, and I had to take it. Money was not that big deal, it was going fine, I bought what I needed, not what I wanted, but again it worked with me. Friends? I had more than fifteen girls and boys which I consider them friends.

I lived my life believing in fate and destinies are controlling our lives. I thought we don’t have any thing to do with what is happening to us. What you have to do is, wait and see.

From my place now, I could tell you what life taught me through this experience. First, I should tell you that my whole life changed, it was like a start button to begin a new kind of life starting from the end, from the collapse, but ending where? Till now I don’t know!!!

I graduated, and spent a year or two looking for the perfect job. I waited as if I am waiting for the impossible. Most of my friends were too busy to call and say hi. I shifted to my cave and decided to disappear. I went through depression for more than two years. During this period I was questioning fate? I had one question: why me?

Here, when people begin to think that their choices were not fair, and start thinking of alternatives they would have taken rather the ones they took before, they start blaming fate for it for them. And start thinking of "what if …?" statement.

I started with the first "what if ", which was "what if I joined another college and studies another major?" at least I would have more choices of jobs. This will lead to other friends which might care more!!

The feeling of what choises you have to a better life, if things went in another direction kills. I remember only falling into tears when thinking of it. I thought if I stayed in this cave I will be dead by the end of this year or so. I tried to find some light somewhere in the cave to give me some hope. I decided to read some of God's words, which always raised my spirits and led me to the right path.

I decided not to waste my time in blaming things; I had to discover, sooner or later, that there is nothing will help changing it anymore. "What if…?" statement is nothing but hopeless case. It will not lead you to the happy end you wanted, neither will it take you back to change your destiny, nor will it make your wish come true.

I believe God gave us our brains to use it in a higher level than to think of what to cook or when to buy the car of your dreams!!! If we leave everything to be done but nature, you will never get anything you want. You will only choose what comes first; thinking that this is what God had chosen for you. What makes things funny, that at the beginning you choose on the basis of fate and belief and when things go wrong, you start blaming fate!! Where is your belief now? This is against destiny and believing in it!!! This was lesson one.

This is what I had to learn from what I read during the years I spent weeping for what I thought was destiny's choices. If I didn’t think of it seriously more than once, then it is my own problem!!! If I had this level of recognition at that time, I would think of it and decide on more realistic base. But at the end of the day, if there is some one to be blamed, it is me, not destiny.

Again I found myself weeping more, because this time it was me who missed the right path. I regret all those years which might hold in between its days and months a chance of changing decisions or thinking of alternatives. The second question I needed to answer now was: Is there any U turns on my way?!! And its answer is the second lesson.

There is always another chance, but it needs more quality time between yourself and the options you are concerning. It needs hope, and higher self-confidence. It needs the real you.

The real you, is laying under million of experiences, struggles, love, and hate. It could had face different kinds of motivations to lead you either to the happy side of life, were you imagine there would be fairies, or to the dull side of life, were hopeless cases are found.

I had these motivations around me, but I didn’t take the advantages, and here it is again my own fault. I remember after I graduated, and the failure of finding good job, I started to run away from my life. I noticed that life didn’t change, it is me who changed. I didn’t answer my friends' calls, I stopped going out with them to have launch or a cup of coffee. Life was there in front of me, widely spreading its arms to me to join the club, but it is me who was refusing.

Things change inside us for a reason, I guess. This reason is linked to an experience or event had occurred in your life. You might not notice it, but unconsciously we have a reaction to it. It affects us so strongly, we can not taste life like we used to before.

At the beginning, you feel confused, you don’t know the reason, and you just feel weird. When you try to think of it deeply, your heart beats hard and fast. This moment you feel like numb and worried. Trying to concentrate more, things get more serious and you feel you just want to be alone. This need is so normal, because you don’t want to be disturbed while thinking clearly of the whole thing. You need to know what it is. Why? When? How? Where? And who? You might have no answers, but yet you keep on thinking.

Third lesson, actions speak louder than words. No matter how long we keep on thinking and worrying, nothing will change unless you start putting it into practice. But this time, and after you have discover the secret of life game, you would pause before every decision. You would calculate the risks. There is no time for error and trial. Loosing what you already had lost before took from your life the best time you ever had lived, and if things were better, you would have saved the years you spent in finding answers, in enjoying life.

At this point of experiencing life, I feel old and tired. I feel depressed and exhausted. I feel changed. Although it is the same life style you used to live and you are living now, nothing changed. Same house, same car, same partner, same love, same friends, but is it the same you?!! Here is the secret; you are the one who is changing. No one would feel that, no one can jump inside your soul to touch the struggle you are facing. They only see a breathing corpse.

Again a question pops in your mind: why things are changing? Why we should face such endless lessons in life? Why we should adjust with every change, without changing? Accepting what we have and what we are, is our dramatic game of life!!! When should we learn how to challenge our options in life, and try to change for real? When are we going to stand up for ourselves and speak up, shout so loudly and say what we really want from life?

Lesson four, if you feel all what I had mentioned before, and didn’t go through all the procedure and at the end of the day, you are the same, I can tell you: YOU DIDN’T LEARN ANYTHING FROM LIFE. You have now two options:
1- Press continue and keep on trying to see yourself another person with different choices.
2- Press start game again, and here you are loosing a couple of days, months, or years trying to figure out what you want, and what options you should have once upon a time to live the life you are dreaming of.

But do you think it is the end? The most important question you should ask before pressing continue: does it worth all this time to think, decide and take the chance of acting? What is waiting me after it happens? Will I regret the decision of changing what I had once to what I wish I want now?

Calls of fear

2006-09-28T23:13:00.000+03:00

I opened my eyes on a ringing phone, it was a mobile tone. I don’t recognize this tone, it is not mine. I tried to think hard whether it is a dream or not. I opened my eyes, and look here and there. I can't find the mobile. I sat in my bed trying to track the sound.

The darkness in the room helped me to notice the light of the mobile blinking. Till now the mobile didn’t stop ringing. I could not guess what time it was. I looked to my side, my husband was not there. I remember that this was his mobile's tone. And till now it is still ringing.

I stood up and walked to the window, I opened the curtains. It was morning, maybe around 7 o'clock. I grabbed the mobile from the table and looked on the number. It was private number.

I sat on the edge of the bed thinking, shall I answer it or there is no need to?!! I spent about 10 minutes thinking of an answer, even I didn’t notice that the caller has stopped calling.

I put the mobile in my pocket and started my morning as I did everyday. I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I sat in my usual place, in the balcony. My husband is on a business trip. He will be away for four nights. But how did he forget to take his mobile with him? Maybe he awaked late and he was in a rush and just forgot all about the mobile!!

Why am I so worried? Why this call made me so unsafe? Why I feel so jealous and curious? I feel that there is something will change my life through this call. I feel that if I answered this call, a disaster will happen. I feel that the person who is calling my husband is his girlfriend. Was my husband from that type of people, who will look for a younger girl to prove that he is still wanted? Am I not satisfying him anymore? What a shame? I feel so disgusted!! If he were here right in front of me, I would kill him!!

I need to see Rana now, she is my best friend and she passed through the same situation the year before. She could help me discover how she felt that her husband was different. She could tell me how she won him back.

I need to know everything. How it would start and why? I want to know how it felt and what she did to pull him back to his home again.

I put on some clothes; I don’t remember what I chose to wear!! I decided to take a taxi rather than to drive my car. I walked in the street waiting for a taxi, but I couldn’t remove the image of my husband with this lady. What she look like? Is she pretty, nice, sexy? In what ways she is different than me? I know that I got older, but I am not too old yet!! I am still in love with my husband. I thought he knew that so well… we never argued, we never fought; we never slept without kissing each other good night. What went wrong then?!! My tears were falling smoothly; I could not force them not to.

Here I saw a taxi, I stopped it. And in few minutes I arrived Rana's place. I rang the door. No one opened the door. I waited another few minutes, but for no use. It seems there was no one there. It is my fault I forgot to call her. Where is my mobile? I hope it is in my purse. Yeh, I found it. But what a day, there is no battery at all. It is dead. What am I going to do now?!!

I have no car, my mobile is dead. Where shall I go now? I can't go back home. I don’t feel like seeing each love moment I shared with him. I even can't look at his pictures which are filling our living room. I feel I hate him now.

I decided to go to the nearest mall to have breakfast and think clearly. On the way, I thought of every lovely moment we shared during all these years. Eight years, we both stood for each others in good and bad. We were envied by our friends. They always asked us how we managed to have this strong love for this long period. Was that love an illusion? Was that feeling a big lie? How stupid I am. Why I want him back? If he is not happy with me, why should I care? As soon as he gets back I will tell him that I know all about his affair. I do not need any justifications. I don’t want to hear any excuses; I only want him out of my life. He cheated me once and he could do it again and again. I don’t want to experience this confusion again.

I don’t feel like eating anything, I ordered for a cup of coffee and sat there trying to think clearly. I don’t want to act like a helpless woman. I am a grown up lady, I have my job, friends and my family. I could start my life again without him around. What difference would it make? The only thing will not be the same, is walking into an empty house, with empty walls. Briefly, loveless home. So what, one day I will fill it again, I would fill it with my friends' and family's love.

But why I feel so sad and full of anger. I don’t want to be attached to him anymore. I don’t want to feel sorry. Why I feel that there is something inside wants me to win him back again?!! How can I want a cheater in my life? He does not deserve my love. He who wanted another life with another lady. He had made his decision. I might done a mistake, but he should talk to me rather than going out and look for new love. If he really cares about our life he should have try to win me back to his life not pushing me out of it.

Oh my God, here the phone is ringing again!! It is the private number. I think this is time i have to answer it and put everything to an end. I should have real proof to face him with.

My heart is beating so hard and fast, I pick up the mobile in my shaking hand, I answered. I didn’t speak a word; I just wanted to focus on the speaker.

"Hello, hello..." he said. It is a man!!
"Who is speaking?" I asked.
"It's me baby, did you forget my voice?" he answered with his usual lovely voice.
"Whose number is this? And why you didn’t take your mobile with you?" I asked curiously.
"I awaked late, and I was rushing. I didn’t want to be late for the plane. I thought that the mobile is in my laptop bag as usual!! I just wanted to make sure that you are all right. I tried to call you but your mobile was turned off."
"Yeh, I didn’t realize that until an hour ago,and I am not at home now."
"So honey, what are you doing? Is everything ok?" asking with his loving voice.
"I am going to Rana's to have breakfast. Don’t worry, everything is fine. Don’t be late. I really need you beside me." replying with tears falling on my cheeks.
"Sweetheart, even if I was far away, you should be sure I will be always near you and beside you." He replied.
"Ok huni, go back to your work and don’t worry, it is only that I miss you so much."
"Take care, baby" he hanged up.

I feel that I won a million dollar!!! He loves me and never cheated on me. What a relief. I called Rana from his mobile and invited her on breakfast. She was in her children's school. She was excited about the idea. She came rushing, she was so hungry.

While waiting her, I had to ask myself why I built up this story. Why I had to live this tragedy just for receiving one private call on his mobile? There must be something wrong with me, not with my husband.

We, human beings, are really weird. We can destroy full life in seconds while it took us life time to build it!! We never think of priorities when we are hurt. I am sure it is different from one person to another. Some people try to give another chance and another just can't. But I can not judge them both. Both of these people react for one reason, it is love. I wanted my husband to be out of my life, just to save what we had shared once in my heart. If I lost him, I don’t want to loose the memories we had together. Because if I loose it too, it will be wasting eight to nine years of my life, and I am not ready to loose my life too.

Here Rana arrived, she looks happy and excited. I am sure that she is a sample of women who wanted to win her husband back just for love. She loved him, she has children from him and a lovely, cozy home.

Love is a gift from God. We should not ignore it. Love is the link to life. Without it we are not living at all. We do not taste happiness. We do not feel we are living in harmony with the surroundings.

"Hey, how are you?" Rana asked me, giving me a hug.
"I am fine, how are you? Long time no see!!" I replied.
"Oh, I was busy re-decorating my house with Hassan, you know we like to choose everything together." She said.
"Lovely, so things are fine?" asking with curiosity.
"Never better." She replied.

Faces

2006-09-26T14:13:00.000+03:00

Dust is covering the entire place, I wonder, for how long did I ignore this room? It has been more than three years since I graduated. For me, it seems like three days.

From where should I start, I should clean it up for my sister, she is now on her way back home and I promised her to find it ready. I promised her to give her my room when she finishes her high school. And her she is, grown up now. She called me at my home, reminding me with my promise. And she insisted that I should clean it up, and choose which boxes I want and which I don’t want to keep. It was my room at my parents' house.

The walls in this room shared me a lot of memories. I can hear laughs and cries. This room was my best friend; I remember talking to each corner of it when I was in my happiest or saddest moments. Even my friends liked my room so much; we spent hours of studying and chitchatting. I miss those old days which will never come back again.

I remember this box; I put in it the books I most liked during the four years. Oh my God, did I really keep all these pairs of shoes I used to wear?!! What a silly girl I was? What was I thinking of? Was it a joke?

Trying to reach to the next corner of the room I noticed something, there is a note stuck on the wall!! Let me go and see. I have to pass dozen of boxes. On my right, was three boxes were on top of each other, mistakenly I hit the first one on the top. It flew up and was opened and everything in it was flying over me.

What surprised me that I was not hurt; I was expecting a dictionary flies up in the air and back down on my head, on the contrary, all what fell on me were pictures!! I sat on the floor, picking up some pictures around me, pictures from different periods of my life.

Life is really surprising; it changes everything in our lives. Looking at these pictures, seeing how friends used to be then!! It was simple and direct. No need to have doubled face relations. It was pure and natural. Is these feelings about friendship was because I was young? Was it because we were pure and natural? And as we grow up and experience life in different aspects and face several shocking cases in life, your opinion about life changes too?
Friends were so close at that time, they were so warm. Nowadays, most of them are online friends!! You might not see them all your life. You might not know them from the first place. Life is becoming too fast to have enough time to make true and real friends. We meet on line, hi, hi, and then we start chatting, whether you were honest with the person you are talking to or not, no one cares. For some people it is only for one reason, wasting time and having fun.

This really shocks me; I am a person who respects people and relations. I am a kind of person, who worships friendship, and I have effort and energy to open my heart for millions of them, but they should share me one simple thing, respecting friendship.

Should we have a benefit in every friend we know? I knew people who were really so selfish. I spend too much time thinking of such human beings. How could they just ignore you for nothing?

Faces are running now in my mind, some are real and some I just try to imagine how they look like. Some I spent a life time with and some only few months. Most of them are gone forever, and I do not regret it at all.

But the most beautiful faces I ever had seen are here in these pictures. I can feel in the smiles in them how lovely and sweet our emotions towards each others are. I am sure, however and whatever tried to keep us in distance, we still miss each other.

Life will keep on going, giving you the chance to know more people. But if you met thousands of new friends it will never be the same as you were young. Friends during that period are a treasure. From each person you learn something, and you save it back in your mind. Whether you remember it or you do not, that is not the point, but the most important thing is that you learned something!!

For me, when ever I pass through something I remember passing through it with one of my friends, I forget all about the issue and just go back to that day, with my friend, and try to remember every single detail. I close my eyes, and try to smell the place, and try to hear how noisy it was around, I can see everything. The lesson is learnt, and a wide smile show up on my face.

This is how friendship is for me. This is how I want to keep my friends around me; wherever I am they should be there.

How come I did not take this box with me to my home? They should be with me in my new home. To share new memories and have fun as we always did. I want to have a new box full of memories to remember when I am 50 or 60. I want them with me to learn more from them and they might learn from me.

Do they remember me as I do?!! I hope so. They should be sure that I will always have them safe in my heart. I love you all.

I should go back to clean up this room! I stood up, and again my eyes fell on the note which was like waiting for me to read it. I went calmly to the wall; I never felt so in peace like now. I reached to it; I took it off the wall…

"These pairs of shoes that are lying in peace here in my room are the ones I wore in my last 10 years!! But during every mile I walked wearing them I learned something, and from every lesson there was a reason, and for every reason there was a person, and every person I learned from I consider him/her a friend. I wish I could walk million miles to have more true friends during my life. Wish me healthy feet and legs and energy to walk more and more and more "

This was the note!!

Looking Forward to

2006-09-19T11:03:00.000+03:00

We live our lives looking for perfection in every thing. But we never ask ourselves the perfect question; "Is there perfection in life?" We used to cry when things go wrong, and we live in this conflict trying to make it always the best. Why are we so miserable? Why should everything be perfect? Why we just take it as it is? Is it a human nature? Is it a life style? Is it greediness? Many questions are occupying my head now, without answers. Here they are, people struggling in life, focusing on things to escape from reality. But are they really escaping? Are they forgetting? I don’t think so. They are only forgetting one thing; themselves. We forget the most important thing that life depend on; people. We forget that we have families, friends and enemies!! Life can not go on without these elements. We focus on just living it day by day no matter what. Do you think this will work?!! Then why is life meant to be? Life is future, and future is optimism. Are we looking forward to have harmonic future?! No, I guess. We all look forward to live a future. Look at me now, am trying to escape through this imagination. I have one target to do this, to understand why we are doing this to ourselves. How our parents did live their lives? Were they happy? Were they enjoying life? Were they concentrating on themselves? I guess there is one answer for all these questions; NO. They were looking forward to build future for us. But the question is, did they build it for us? I guess not. Not because they did it wrongly, no, on the contrary, they did it well and I appreciate it. But they did not know how exactly we wanted our future to look like!! They did not know we wanted different life than theirs. Mum always wanted me to be something and dad wanted me something else. Between the struggle they forgot that I wanted to be something too. They taught us to be their reflections. They wanted to make their dreams come true in us, forgetting that we have our own dreams. I am their only kid, and there is no chance for these wishes to become true except through me.

I love them so much; I wanted them to be happy. So, I decided to be their Santa Claus and make their wishes true. I graduated from medicine school as my father wanted, and get married as soon as the first groom approached our home, as my mother wanted. Papa and mama, lived happily ever after since then.

Years passed, and they both passed away, leaving me here wondering; am I happy as they were? Am I happy for being a doctor? Did I find the right partner to share my life?

Life is strange, how come they made me choose from their options and then leave me scared and lonely like this? I never felt so when they were around. The reason for feeling safe when they were with me is because when anything went wrong they were helping me out. And this is because it was their choices not mine, they knew exactly what are the risks and how to deal with any obstacle. But I am alone now; I have to solve it by myself.

Loneliness is filling me now. Nothing in life is exciting, it is dark around. Whom do I have to blame? Them? Me? Life?

I am waiting my baby now, waiting this new creature to share me life. Thinking of this baby, is it a baby boy or girl? How he/she will look like? Thinking of this miracle is something like magic. When I try to imagine his/her features I see myself in this baby. I see myself growing up with my own dreams and wishes. Will this baby be a graphic designer one day? Will this baby love someone and be loved by someone? Will this baby travel beyond seas, looking forward to build the future with his/her beloved one? Many questions I wish it will become true one day.

I feel good, I am really happy seeing all these dreams will become true one day. And I will look forward to make it true.

Dream during launch break

2006-09-17T20:14:00.000+03:00

As I was going to work this morning, I passed by Starbucks to have my morning coffee. I was standing nearby the cash to pay and start my way to work, when he came and stood beside me.
"Good morning!" he said with a polite smile. I gave him a silent nod, wondering, "Do I know him??!" I tried to look at him when I was putting the money back into my purse. "I don’t know him, I never saw him!!" I turned around, walking to my car so slowly, thinking why I gave him all that time thinking of him?
Breaking my thoughts, a voice came from behind calling on a miss. I turned around to find him following me with a cup of coffee.
"Hi." He said.
"Hi." I said back.
"The man over there told me that you have forgotten your coffee, and I suggested bringing it to you"
"Oh, thank you so much, and sorry for the trouble." I said with embarrassment. How could I forget my coffee?!!
"ermmm, can I ask you a question, please?" he asked.
"Sure, go ahead." Thinking that he want to ask me about an address or something..
"Did we meet before?" was his question.
Our eyes met at this moment. I can see something weird in his eyes. I feel familiar to the warmth in them. Few seconds passed, with a smile he raised his hand to introduce himself.
"I am Saif." He said.
We shake hands. "I am Hanan."
"So… mm... Do you have time to drink our coffee together?" he asked so politely.
To be honest, I wanted to but I have work.
"I'd love to, but I have to go to work now." I apologized.
"Do you have a break time for lunch?" he insisted.
What's going on? Why he is insisting, and why I don’t want to reject his invitation? I feel there is something arranged in our destinies.
Destinies? How come we could have a destiny together?
"At what time I can see you today? And where?" he asked as he was taking some few steps backward. He did not give me any chance to discuss or apologize.
I gave him time and place, and ran to my car.
I don’t remember I have done anything at work today, except looking at my watch from time to time. I feel that I know this guy, I know him so much. I talked to him, we laughed and argued. We had long walks and had launches and dinners. But yet I am asking myself, from where do I know him? And when did we meet?
The office was full of excitement, everybody was ready to go and have launch. I felt that I was not feeling good. I was nervous and alert. I walked through the main entrance of our building, heading toward my car, when I heard that same voice calling.
He was there waiting for me.
With that same polite smile, he said, "Hello, what a long day?!"
I just gave him another nervous smile.
"Come on, let's drive one car. We need only one." He suggested.
"I don’t think we need a car, here is a nice restaurant. Do u want to try it?" What I was trying to do here is not wasting time in the traffic jam. I wanted to talk to him as long as I can. I want to remember him.
He agreed. We both walked together, side by side, as we did before. What a feeling? Knowing someone from so long time ago and yet not knowing him!! I remember holding each others hands, but we both do not have the courage to do now.
As we were reading the menu, I took few fast glances at him, he was also looking at me. We made our order, and here we go.
We didn’t talk. We just stared. Few minutes, and he started.
"I really don’t know what is going on here, but I felt from the moment I looked into your eyes that I know you. Really this time, did we meet before?" he asked, seriously this time.
"I really don’t know, I had the same feeling this morning. I tried my best to remember were on earth we had met, but no can do!! I just have some pictures in my head popping up. But they were never true memories. Do you have any explanations?" I replied.
"Do you remember walking under the rain; we were holding each other's hands? Do you remember laughing and arguing together? Do you remember…"
"No way!!" I interrupted. "What are you saying?!! It is the same memories I have in mind! This can't be happening." I was excited to the idea.
"I have this picture in mind, I wonder if you have it too" he whispered.
"What is it, tell me?" I replied.
"You are standing beside me, holding my arm. We were so happy. I was the happiest man, ... emmmm as I can see and feel from the picture. Seeing you in your white dress, standing beside me makes you my wife!!! Isn’t it?!" dreamingly he described as I was imagining the picture.
"Oh, what have you said just now?" I interrupted.
"You are my wife in this picture.." he continued. "We must have been husband and wife once upon a time."
I rested in my chair with my eyes widely open, thinking am I insane to believe this!!!
"No way!! Are you serious" I laughed with tears. My tears fell, I was deeply so sad. I don’t have any explanation for that, but am really sad.
We didn’t talk for a while. He was looking at me with surprise. I guess he was surprised of my tears. He was shocked and could not say anything. He just watched me wiping my tears on my cheeks. I wanted to be in his arms at this moment. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be his wife. I want to live the rest of my life beside him. But these are only wishes which cannot be true. There is no chance to be with him even for another hour.
Before the food arrives, I stood up and apologize, explaining I have to go back to work.
He understood the whole thing without going into details. He paid the bill, and followed me out. We walked till we reached his car. We stood there; no words could describe the emotions I had. But I felt that I have to say something. Something which may give me hope.
"Do you believe in living more than one life?" I asked, "I know, stupid question. I don’t believe in it anyway, but, in case there is another life we might live, will you look for me and try to find me?" I asked.
He nodded without saying any word.
"I don’t promise you that I will look the same." I said with a smile to break the ice. "but what I can promise you is to hold on these memories we shared together, and I will search for this look, in the eyes of all men I will meet. And never will accept any man in my life till you show up. So … don’t make me wait so long. I don’t want to waste another life time with out you beside me."
I didn’t wait his reply; I turned my back to him and walked back to my office. Trying to find out how will I live my life waiting the other one to start.

Candle Lights

2006-09-14T13:14:00.000+03:00

Candles all over the place, soft music in the back ground, and here are they, the two of them holding each other and dancing in peace.
He is whispering in her ears," I love you." And she smiles back to him, hiding her face in his neck. Their bodies are floating in harmony.
I really envy her; I always wanted this to happen to me. I wanted my man to hold me in front of all people and dance with me. Look at them now, he moved his body back to look at her face, he stares at her as if he is seeing her for the first time. How shy she is!! If I where her I would have give him a very long hug. She tried to go back to her seat, but he grabbed her so tightly. Her hair is flying around him, and he is so happy to feel it on his face. They are talking, I think it is more than talking, they are discussing something. I can tell from her face expressions. I am really curious about what they are talking about now!!
I can see they are getting serious, and enthusiastic. But never mind as long as they are still dancing, I think it makes it more romantic.
The music came to its end; people are clapping, smiles and laughs here and there. But nothing took my attention as they did. In her black, sexy dress she passed by me. He was behind her, following. The music started again, full of life this time. People jumped on the dance floor, dancing and having fun.
And from my place, I saw her again. They are with a group of people. All of them are talking, laughing and having fun, except her. I wonder why she so frustrated?!! She should be the happiest lady on the earth. Half an hour passed and the scene did not change.
We decided to go home, so I packed my things in my bag and get ourselves ready. As we got to the main entrance of the hall, I noticed they were behind us. He was walking fast, and she was following this time. Because her head was on her chest she did not see that I was blocking her way. I was so curious, and this made me even not to notice that. And we both hit. She raised her head to say sorry. I saw her tears, all over her cheeks. She was really embarrassed. Her face was flushing in red. Her voice was stuck in her throat. I nodded my head with a cold smile. She is gone. They took off with their car. Leaving me wondering what went wrong!!!
How could you see and feel people are so happy and you might envy them for that, and the truth is, they have the most miserable life one could imagine.
All is not gold that glitters!!!

Life Time

2006-09-13T16:16:00.000+03:00

The weather is so soft today, it was the 1st of April when I was back home to start my new life between my family and closest friends of mine. Walking in the streets of the city I grew up in was a treasure, a dream I wished and prayed for. I remember I passed by this place before 10 years, I was going to my university for the first time. I was worried. Yeh, I can remember the exact feeling. My heart was beating, was it excitement or worrying? I think both. There was my new life staring? New life? How many times during our life time we think of this "new life" thing? I remember asking myself this question many times. As far as I can remember the first one was in August, 1992. In this exact year was the first turn over in my life. Before that it was a slow easy going life. Nothing changed. The biggest change came in that year. A lot of questions appeared, and I was young to understand life so easily. It was frustrating, depressing, and annoying to realize that your life has changed, specially from an easy going to a tougher one. You have to start with new environment, people, atmosphere, and new you; because you have to change too to adjust among all these changes. And here am back to this same place where I am starting everything new, and experiencing the dilemma of life. But this time, mature lady is being abroad. Not that young adolescent, who knew only how to live so easily. I remember at this same street the first guy ever wanted to love me and have a serious relationship with me. My first heart beating to the idea of being loved. Woow, what a feeling, it drew a warm smile on my face just to remember how the beating of my heart was so confusing!!! I might be young at that time, but I think I was not like most of the girls who only wanted a guy occupying their hearts. I dont remember rejecting him, he was so gentle and kind. He understood my way of life, and promised me one day he should win my heart. In this park I used to play with my best relative girl friend. She is my soul mate. I love her and we share till now our spare time talking and chit chatting about different things in life. I miss that period of life. It was the period when we our personalities were in the process of growing and learning. I wish to go back there, to undo some mistakes I did not learn from. I had the chance to learn more, but there are always impossible wishes in life.

Yeh, this is the house I grew older in. neighbors and friends were the core of life. How things look different as time pass. It didn’t look the same. It was brighter and full of life. I will walk in this street, the same street i used to walk to my school with my friend. We enjoyed walking more than taking a cab or bus. I remember walking from school back home under the heavy rain. We laughed to death that day. And we stayed in bed ill for almost a week. We shared nice and funny memories. I wonder how is her life now, and whether she remember me or not.

Some buildings are new here. In this house, I remember asking the same question once more. "Here again another new life is starting, what is waiting me?" I finished my bachelor in this house, and the practical one is starting. What is coming now was my fear. The true life I guess. C.Vs here and there. Praying to GOD to give me the chance to work in an appropriate place where I can be an active person in society. Was this the ultimate desire??! Many wishes I remember. First, to be independent, second, good image, third, find Mr. Perfect. Why in this stage of life we all, girls, start seriously looking for him? Funny, I guess. But this is how life leads you to your future. The future which is now my present. My present which I am starting another new life from it. New life again?! I never realized it. I never thought I will ask myself this question again. I thought your last new life you will be curious about is when you start it with Mr. Perfect. And "The End" will be for your new life.

My tour finished, I arrived to this new house. My home, where I will start this new life again. Knowing nothing what will be waiting for me. Many questions, how, when, what, who???? Do I have time to get the answers? Will I find out what is waiting for me? Am I going to end this new life happily or what? And the most important question, is there another new life I will be wondering about? What a life time we live? Full of surprises and questions. I entered my kitchen, made a cup of coffee, light a cigarette, and thinking … when will "The End" come.. how long should I wait to see how my life will be like? And is there any chance for me in this life I am starting now to learn from what I missed before? These question could be answered only if I have to live another new life.

White night

2006-09-12T14:19:00.001+03:00

I remember this incident since I was 5 years old. But I never understood what emotions and feelings it has, until this day. I could now go deeper in how my aunt felt when she was in that dress.

She was so pretty, angel looking and so in peace. But inside her beautiful eyes I could see something wondering. She was sitting in her room with all her friends and our relatives. All of them were whispering, some were passing by my aunt just to tease her with some funny words which would make her smile. Her smile, ohh my GOD, I will never forget it. She had this terrifying smile, her lips were clung. Showing only the same smile for every comment she would hear.

I was standing over there, near the door. Trying to catch everything is happening. My eyes and my aunt's met in a moment when no one had realized that she asked me to reach her. I walked slowly, wondering what she would want from me now. As I arrived she grabbed my arm and hugged me. She whispered in my ear: "I love you so much and I will miss you.". She kissed me a long kiss and suddenly the people in the room became more excited and began to clap. And in the background, I could hear cars arriving and some beeb beeb beeb beeb .. I was in a shock, what is going on? I thought today should be my aunt's wedding, not arresting here!!! Why everybody is happy except her? Her tears are falling, while she is saying goodbye to her family and friends, although we are going to attend the wedding, she is saying good bye to them!!! And here he comes, the guy in black suit. So happy to jump like a child, as if he sees his favorite toy!! She walks beside her father; she was not walking, grandpa was pulling her. And that guy in black and his family were jumping altogether and dancing like they had won the billion dollars.

Many questions, contradictory scenes, happiness and sadness, hope and fear. Can someone tell me what is going on? I ran to my room, my tears are like bullets on my face. What I was sure about at that time is that I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be hurt and hurt my family like this. Why on earth should we do this to ourselves? Choosing to be so sad and afraid.

This was 20 years ago, and now the roles are opposite. She, my aunt, standing there looking at me with that same smile I saw it on her face. The look in her eyes, I can remember it. But this time, I can feel words in them. Holding that baby in her arms, she walked toward me. Leaning forward, she whispered "Are you happy?". She kissed my forehead and went back to her children who were running around her wherever she went.

All my friends were envying me, because I was the first of them to get married. And who is the guy? I know him from work. But do I really know him? I don’t have answer. My friends were so excited, they think I am the prettiest bride they ever saw. But my feelings are not as theirs. I am not happy, not excited. What I am thinking now is: "I don’t want to be another copy of my aunt". I don’t want to hurt my family, and I don’t want to be sad for something I am choosing with my own will.

I stood up, walked so slowly. I reached my aunt and gave her that same look. She understood and hurried after me, while she was begging her children not to follow.

She gave me that warmest hug ever. "I need you", I whispered. She lifted her head and assured that she is there beside me for anything I want.
"I don’t want .."
"shshshshsh" she said, "what is going on with you? I can feel it, I saw it in your eyes."
"And I saw it in you eyes 20 years ago."
"What??!!!! In my eyes? When did you see that and how? You were a kid."
"I was a kid, but I could see your fear. I could feel your body shiver. I felt the sadness and your refuse inside you." I start crying. " I remember how grandpa grabbed your arm to give it to him. I remember how all of the family were crying. I don’t want to make anyone cry. And.. and I don’t want him."
"Then why you agreed sweetie, why? You are grown up lady, I believe you took your time thinking of this guy and whether he is the Mr. PERFECT or not.. what happened? Any changes?"
"Are you happy in your life?"
With a slow motion smile appeared on her face, she said " Listen, happiness is something you can create. Inside you, you can make your own happiness. If you are satisfied in your life you will be the happiest woman on earth. And satisfaction comes from the quality of time you spend with your partner trying to understand and love each other, love is not something you feel it before or after you know the guy.. it is a translation of what you feel.. if you are happy you will feel you are in love .. love is not that feelings you hold towards him, it is the feeling you hold to yourself. You will not be happy because you love him, you will love him because you are happy with him .. this is the key to the perfect marriage."
"You did not answer my question, are you happy?" I insisted.
"No one can judge other's life with a question and an answer. If I kept talking to you for months, you will not know whether I am happy or not. It is a life time; ups and downs, happiness and sadness, laughs and fights, disappointments and satisfaction, and more. "

I listened as if I was in another world, not convinced but had to believe her. She will not cheat me. My white dress and my lovely make up and the music in our home, all of them are evidences of happiness, a wedding. But yet I am still not happy.

The same cars arrived and the same beeb beeb beeb .. my heart was beating so fast.. it was loud.. I could not hear anything else.. the door was opened and there stood my father… he raised his hand with a sad smile… I put my arm in his and walked in this funeral ceremony. I looked all around the place, faces only I can see.. they all waved goodbye with tears and smiles. I will miss my home, and all of you, I thought.

"He took my hand, and now I am here with you darling." I told her.
"Mum, do you love dady?"
" I am happy with him. Can't you feel it?" I answered.
"I love you mama, and love dady. I hate it when I think I am leaving home."
" You are leaving your home to build another, and one day you will talk to your little one and have this same chit chat"

Beeb beeb beeb, faces, tears, smiles, goodbye and another new life to start.

From The Dark

2006-09-11T11:57:00.000+03:00

Is there a real evil? Does the word "devil" describ a real creature, or everyone has his own SATAN?
I never thought of one of these names would be near me..
I have faith in GOD, and thought that i will never do anything to make HIM angry of me..
I never remember commiting a sin, and if i had mistakenly did,i would sit in my room trying to beg GOD for HIS forgivness..

I wonder did the devil visited me lately or not? I wonder if i chose to do a mistake or it is only the devil who pushed me to it..
I regret it .. i hate it ..
Is it enough to regret something you have done?? or you should ask for forgivness from all people you had hurt unwillingly.. or you should hate yourself and wish you would never been on earth from the very beginning..

My family, my friends, and myself...all of them were hurt.. all of them were injured.. and who is the person to be blamed?? This is the question? WHO?

I love all these people .. and want them to be happy like me.. but when the devil arrived.. and whispered in my ear: "I am here for u" the delimma began.. and the conflict appeared .. and from the darkness we arranged, and made a deal.. the conspiracy was done.. before i even realise it.. something knocked me.. or someone shouted in my inside.. telling me wake up.. you can't be that bad.. you are a good person.. you love them all.. and they love you too.. why??? why you want to distroy everything you have done? why you want to loose your faith? Satan will never be there for you anymore.. he will leave you struggling by yourself.. he will look at you from the distance and say: " It was your choice,baby"

My eyes are open, the breath came back to me.. my body is shaking .. I am alive.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i never felt how lovely and sweet to keep breathing.. my soul is still there in my body..

Looking arround .. they were all beside me.. one is holding my hand.. the other is smiling .. and one is sitting on the ground crying to death.. ohh mum.. how much i love you.. how much i miss you.. i lifted my hand to hold hers..but she was sooooooooo far .. she stood on her feet.. and walked so slowly with her tears falling on her cheeks..

"Sweet heart.."she said, "I knew you will make it" with a very warm smile..

i closed my eyes to remember what happened.. i was in my room in the hospital, with some pictures in my hand.. his pictures.. how much i miss him.. he was so loving .. his sweet smile was so real in the picture.. i could not bare looking at it and never feel him again.. he is gone .. and i wanted to be gone too.. i wanted to be with him ..

I opened my eyes and saw them again.. they have a warm smile too.. i could have lost them all too.. how stupid i am ..

"Where is she?" i asked .. "Don't worry, the nurse will bring her to you". Few seconds, and the door knocked.. and here she is, my baby.. she was put on my chest.. i looked at her.. she has the same sweet smile too .. "Sub7an Allah" i wondered, "How on earth i wanted to leave this half of me by herself"
Will God forgive me?? How long should i ask for his mercy?"

I knew it from the first second my eyes saw her.. that she will forgive me when she knows that i did it for love...

But this will never be forgetten.. i will never forgive myself for doing it... i will never stop hating myself for the sin i have done..

I will live for her sake .. and try to live normally again.. curiosly wait what is coming in this dark world...